Friday, August 28, 2009

Alarm Clocks, Naps, and Nintendo

I usually don't enjoy the million and a half forwards I get a day. I never obey the pleads of dying children to have the most forwarded email ever, or do it because I am afraid if I do not I will die in ten days, or believe that my friends will only know that I love them because I sent it on. In spite of all of this, I recieved an email that was hilarious. Instead of forwarding it and being part of the cycle, I will just post it here. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That's enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- Was learning cursive really necessary?

- Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to " I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

- My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries wou ld be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Drink, Drank, Drunk

For the last week or so, I have been suffering from polydipsia. For those of you who are not doctors, nurses, or have a word –a-day calendar, polydipsia is excessive or abnormal thirst. When I say abnormal amount of thirst, I am not talking like, “I would enjoy a cool beverage”. My mouth has felt like I just spit out sand, and when I drink, it is only moist for less than a minute. If I go several minutes without drinking, that spot on the back of my throat begins to burn due to being parch and I can feel it every inhalation of breath. Beyond that, my thirst becomes oppressive where all I can do it think about when I can get something to drink. My thirst is to the point that it affecting my life; to the point of embarrassment.

For those of you who know m, this may not seem much different for my normal fluid intake. I usually drink 125 oz a day. That is about 16 glasses of water a day. But what has been happening is beyond my normal fluid enjoyment. Allow me to illuminate for you. Friday night we went and saw the long awaited, much anticipated Wicked. As the first half neared an end, I could barely think of anything else except cool liquid in my mouth. That night at dinner I had an entire glass of water before the waiter even left the table, and I was dying for my Diet Pepsi before he returned. Saturday, we went to the circus, and before the clowns even came on, I was dreaming of when I could get something to drink. I ended up buying a huge 44 oz drink and finished the entire thing before we left. I had two bottles of before I went to bed and woke up two hours later in a near panic from how thirst I was. Sunday during our CPR renewal I had three Diet Cokes in the space of two hours. Monday night I did not eat dinner because I was so full of water that there was no room for food. I have not been sleeping well at night due to having to wake up and drink every few hours.

Finally, I decided to go see my doctor. All sorts of fatalistic things came to mind. Yesterday I drove all the way to Pflugerville to see my doctor (he recently moved offices) and told him all about it. I am sure my doctor hates me because I came with all my theories about what is wrong with me. I think it could be diabeties, since polydipsia is the first sign for most patients. I am praying beyond all belief that this is not the case. It could be theophylline toxicity due to a buildup of too much of my asthma medication. It could be a thyroid imbalance, and if this is so, then we will have an answer about why I am so cold all the time. He looked me over, gave me the standard asthma evaluation, and took some blood. Right now I am waiting for him to call with my lab results. I called earlier, and they are in, but just waiting for him to evaluate them. I have a new appreciation for my own patients who call a hundred times asking if they are available. I will keep you updated, and let you know if I am going to die anytime soon.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Wickedly Wicked

You might not know this, and I hesitate to tell you if you do not know, but I am a bit of a Broadway nerd. I love musicals. I am lucky that I am female for even with the stigma that goes along it, it would be far worst if my gender were otherwise.

For many years now, I have been a season ticket holder for Broadway in Austin. Every year I get to see three to five Broadway shows. Some are just as breath taking as they are in my mind like the year Les Miserables came. Others time the voices are amazing but the over the top sets that made them famous a more compact travling size, like Miss Siagon and the conspicously missing helicopter. Others are forgetable at best, like, well if I could remember it would not fit in this category.

In one week I will be enjoying Broadway in Austin's rendition of Wicked. I am daring to hope that the musical will be ever bit the challenging vocal performance that Elphaba's role requires, completly intacted cables to make one wicked witch fly, and dazzling tornados that rock the foundation of Oz.

In preperation for upcoming show, I have been listening to the Orignal Broadway Cast recording with Idina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth. Understanding that the two Broadway giants will leave huge shoes to fill, I am excited none the less. The song, "Defying Gravity" is one of my favorite Broadway songs of all times. It got me thinking about other favorites of mine. So for all you Broadway newbies or seasoned veterens, in no particular order, are in my humble opinion, the top ten Broadway songs.

1. "Seasons of Love" from Rent

2. "Defying Gravity" from Wicked

3. "Voulez-Vous" from Mamma Mia!

4. "Stars" from Les Miserables

5. "Murder, Murder" from Jekyll & Hyde

6. "Buenos Aires" from Evita

7. "We Both Reached For The Gun" from Chicago

8. "The Movie In My Mind" from Miss Saigon

9. "Fortune Favors The Brave" from Aida

10. "The Phantom Of The Opera" from The Phantom of The Opera

Please feel free to disagree or to suggest others glaring omissions from my list. Otherwise, enjoy the above links to the songs. Not all renditions are the best, but I did my best. Enjoy!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Girl and the Terribly Wonderful, Horribly Amazing, Way Good, Very Not Bad Day

Yesterday I was in an extremely good mood. Lunch was an amazing conglomeration of warm summer air, white rice, and top-notch company. Returning to the office, I was a bundle of energy and smiles. The Peacemaker said if I did not cut it out that she would squeeze me like a bullfrog until the happiness oozed out of me. Both a descriptive and somewhat disconcerting prospect. I was singing and dancing through the office like I was a Disney princess. You could almost see the tiny, animated song birds flitting around my head.

Punching out, I went home and took the hottest bath on record. Only if there been carrots floating on top of the water could it have been more reminiscent of a boiling lobster; my skin so red that an actual lobster could have been in there and been so camouflaged that I did not notice it’s presence. I got ready for FHE and found a dress that I nearly had forgotten about. Slipping it on, I realized that it must endowed with magical power because it was possessed the ability to transform me into the perfect amount of cuteness. It almost inspired me to draft a letter to Target headquarters and let them know how satisfied I was with their product.

FHE was a warm and uplifting experience. Bambi’s lesson was on The Savior and his titles. It was a multi-media extravaganza that left me highly impressed with the quality of spirituality in our group. I have been in many an FHE group, and my current on is above par.

Status post FHE, I was lead away into temptation by Peter-Peter and Moe to skip the gym and instead make a foray to Yogurt Planet. It was like entering the World of Willy Wonka, where in my head I was slo-mo spinning and overly rip strawberries, luscious blackberries, and other saccharine sweets rained down around me. I have a problem; I seriously love food. We enjoyed our creamy concoctions in the warm and sultry August evening. The company was almost, and I stress almost better than the frozen yogurt. Don’t judge me.

After I was full to the brim, I went home and delighted in watching an episode of the mindless Las Vegas with the ever captivating Josh Duhamel. I tell you, if he put out a movie of him just reading a book for three hours, I would still pay to see it. I revealed in the sheer indulgence of wasting an hour watching total drivel.

I capped the evening off with my first video chat. I felt like my mini Dell was a stranger to me. It can do things that I was not aware of, like stream video and having a microphone hidden somewhere in its compact design. The technology saved my fingers from the monotonous key strokes, but then realized it was not far off from just calling. But the novelty was an amazing way to end my evening.

I know not everyday can be like yesterday, but it nice to sometimes remember that they can be.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Ode to my iPhone

The last two days have seemed to revolve around the iPhone. Yesterday while Red and I were having dinner, she told me about how she was going to get an iPhone. She was telling me about a particularly harrowing experience where she was very lost, well beyond the witching hour and would have sold her first born for a phone with GPS.

Excited to help induct her into our cult, we made a bee line for the nearest AT&T store. As soon as we walked in, I was bamboozled by the sleek, glittery displays. I think I was more excited than she was. We waited our turn and as we approached the counter, a surly looking man informed us that they were sold out of the smaller 16G size that Red was thinking about getting. I spent a good four minuets trying to talk her into the larger 32G size. I told her how I have the 16G size of the older model and it is full to the brim. I wish I had more space. I have to be choosy about what makes the cut to go everywhere with me and what does not. Not fully trusting my advice, she called Frankie and discussed the matter with him. He said she only would need the 16G. He totally vetoed me. I dropped her off at her car without a brand-new, shiny phone. Not to worry, it will come though.

This morning I got up and finished listening to Harry Potter 4 on my iPhone and was ready to download Harry Potter 5 before I left for work. I synced up and went about getting ready. When I came back to it, it was downloading a software update. Ugh. I got dressed, did my hair, and when I came back it still was not done. I had to leave for work, so in my infinite wisdom, I unplugged it when it clearly said on the screen so that I could take it with me. I have done this other times, and it was fine. It just did not put the new songs on, or did not sync my calendar, and I would just do it when I returned home. Oh, that was the wrong answer today.

After I unplugged it, it just gave me a bleak picture of a the plug and the iTunes symbol. It would not get me to the home screen. Yikes! No problem, I will just plug it back in and it will finish what it was doing while I was at work. On my way to lunch, I stopped by my house and picked my phone up. I was horrified to realize that it was completely wiped, like it was straight out of the box. There was not a single contact, not a single appointment, not a single song. AH! What did I do to my sweet, sweet phone? Poor thing. My iPhone pretty much is part of my life now. It wakes me up in the morning, always at the right time because it is smart enough to be programmed to wake me at different times on different days. While I get ready, I listen to a book on tape or jam out to any of the thousands of songs it holds. All day at work it is my life line to the outside world. Denied access to Facebook, and clocked for all internet time, my iPhone allows me to connect behind Big Brother’s back. When boredom sets in, we can pass and play Scrabble. When a conversation refers to someone new that my coworkers don’t know yet, I can look up their picture for the girls. On my way home, I check where I am supposed to be that night. On my way there, I can talk on my phone through my car speakers, shoot a quick text to say I am almost there, or look up what that stupid gate code that I can never remember is. It helps me find a Sonic when I am craving a soda, or help me send a postcard while I am out of town, and tells me what song is playing in the Gap.

In the book The Golden Compass, every person soul resides outside the body in an animal-like form called a Dæmon. A person’s Dæmon can only stray a short distance of from their person and forcibly separating a person from his or her Dæmon causes unimaginable physical and emotional pain for both entities. I think Dæmon is in the form of an iPhone. All day I have been missing the familiar weigh in my scrub pocket. After lunch I returned home to plug it back in. I can only hope that when we are reunited that my iPhone will no longer be the blank stranger that I took to lunch to me, but will again return to manifestation of my soul.

Monday, August 3, 2009

A Man Called John

I have gotten out of the habit of the daily blog. I just takes up so much time to write, be witty, edit, and post. I think that it is okay though, this way you are not subjected to every tiny detail of my life. With longer between posts, you are just subjected to most of them.

Friday I joined the YSA for a temple trip to baptisms for the dead. I have not been in the baptistery since I did baptisms more than ten years ago. I did them once in the Salt Lake Temple after I did the work for as much family as I had records for. After that I never did them, and then I was endowed. The last time I went with the YSA for a baptism trip, there were too many endowed girls and I got shunted off to do iniatories.

That night, dressed in all white, I sat among those dressed for the waters, the Elders who were performing the rites, temple workers, and other members who were all there united in one purpose. Unity is a concept we talk about in church, but it is hard to really understand until you are living the concept. My heart was so full, the spirit so strong in my breast that all the tension my family left me with melted away. This was where I wanted to be. A week of railing on my decision to get married in the temple was not longer an issue. I knew that this temple, this place, the holiness that was here was all I wanted. Feeling that feeling, why would I want anything else. The temple is my number one priority, everything else has to fall in line behind it. There is nothing I could not leave behind or give up for it.

On the drive home, Frankie and I had another one of those soul touching talks. I am not sure what endows him with the ability to cut right to the heart of things, but I cherish the time we get to talk. He is not afraid to tell me things that I may not want to hear, but still do it in a way that I will listen. The only other person in my life that can do that is Red. That night he told me that it may be time for me to move on. Not what I want to hear, but I promised him I would pray about it.

Sunday I had a work conference which made it impossible for me to go to my ward. I was, however, able to make it to the YSA. I could tell the difference as soon as I walked in. It was the same feeling that buried itself inside my chest at the temple. All my searching to be filled and to get enough, is slaked here. I was so full sitting there. Just listening to the lesson, feeling the spirit, looking around at all the familiar faces of those who know my names and care about my welfare warmed the cockles of my heart. Why is it that we do not know what we have until it is gone? Why cannot I not bask in it now? I want to live inside that warm glow; I am drawn to that light that I can so easily find there.

Update on The Aggie...he is finishing up his degree and moving on Wednesday. This I knew, but what I did not know was that he is moving to Austin! How fortuitous. We texted back and forth on Saturday while I was getting ready for a wedding and it came up. I assumed when he said he was moving that he meant he was moving somewhere in the same town. After our texting, he called and we chatted for a bit. Before we hung up, he said that he would like to do something when he gets in town. Now I just have to wait. I am not good at waiting, but Red and The Peacemaker assure me that it can be done.

Tonight I finally got to teach my lesson on John the Baptist, and it was abysmal. After weeks, literally weeks, of preparation, I finally felt like I had a handle on the material and was ready to teach. The lesson started and I had not even gone through the first section and I could already see the boredom on their faces. Instantly I began to get nervous, I started sweating, and questioning all that I had prepped. This was a long lesson, how was I going to keep them interested? I was having a hard time getting them to participate, which made me even more nervous. I started impromptu editing, which then made me feel like it was not as rich as I intended. Now that I am all flustered, came the nail in my coffin. Someone has a question, she raises her hand and instead of asking me, she asks Frankie. I was crushed. I was the one teaching the lesson, but I was not respected for what I had prepared. This is exactly why I put so much effort into my prep, and yet I still was only there to lead the discussion, not to teach anyone. I feel dejected and don't quite know how to get over that feeling.