Thursday, September 30, 2010

This Is Why I Hate Everything Today

Let's talk about my afternoon, shall we?  My plan to buy a house has reach the phase where I am actually trying to be more active than driving past houses I like and asking who ever is in the car if they will buy it for me.  So I go into a Bank of America banking center on Tuesday afternoon to talk to a loan officer, you know to get some advice on what I should be doing.  Turns out she is harder to get info out of than a fresh post-op patient.  She tells me that she can't even really talk to me until my financial profile is order.  Her suggestion is that I enroll in this program called Privacy Assist through the bank.

She puts me on her phone to talk to Privacy Assist and then proceeds to go chat with Chad from New Accounts, whom I can only assume has very fascinating stories about the gym and which protein powder taste best with Red Bull.  After a mind numbing scripted 20 minute conversation, I ask for a confirmation number.  My good phone friend tells me he does not have one for me, but I will receive all my information via email in 24-48 hours.  I hang up, ask to use the bathroom before I go, get told no, and leave the bank.

I am now like a 40 year old, overweight single woman who got asked for her number at the club.  I am stalking my phone, just waiting for some kind of contact.  Nothing, nada, nil.  So today, I decide to call my friendly Bank Of America and ask por que no email.  Did you decide I was not that hot after all?

First contact after a 10 minute wait on hold.  Now that does not sound like a huge deal, except I can't actually make a phone call from inside my house.  Apparently I did not pay for that option when I signed up with AT&T.  So I am sitting on my back porch, in the 98 degree weather, on hold.  Finally I get Jenny, who says she can't help me and transfers me to the Privacy Assist office.

I now get to talk to Giovanni, who sounds the farthest away from a swarthy Italian, who in his thick Indian accent wishes me a good evening.  After a frustrating conversation where he does not understand my name, how to spell Grand Canyon, or the term close of business, he informs me that I was not in fact getting enrolled in Privacy Assist during my first phone call but just making light conversation with the phone operator.  I ask him if we could, you know, go ahead and enroll me.  He says, oh, I can't do that here, you must talk to sales.  This is now a 30 minute conversation.

I now get ahold of Jennifer.  Jennifer is apparently a very common name in New Dehli, but none the less she is ready to talk to me.  After explaining my story at the top of my lungs and then giving her all my info at top volume (so the neighbors can clearly hear my social and credit card number), she then tells me that she cannot help me because that would just be to easy, and I needed to call Bank of America back.  I have now been on the phone for an hour.

Back to Bank of America and I talk to, no joke, Jennifer.  Are there no other girl's names out there, or is this the running joke for when I am on "Boiling Point"?  She gets my story, in a regular volume, so identity thieves will have to listen a little closer before she tells me that I should be calling the $9.99 line and not the $12.99 line because I am a Bank of America customer.  Am I on crack or am I not talking to Bank of America right now?  She gives me a number and tells me to hang up and call the $9.99 number.  I have now been on the phone for an hour and twenty minutes.

Finally after being on hold just long enough to make a human sized puddle on my porch, a guy picks up and I swear he is going to say his name is Jennifer.  No such luck.  He finally gets me into the system, despite his best effort to repeat the entire script that I have now heard four times to me.  When we are done I ask for a confirmation number.  He tells me he can't give me one but should receive a confirmation email in 24-48 hours.  This sounds vaguely familiar.  I have been on the phone for an hour and forty minutes.  Before hanging up, he told me to have a good day.  I told him to have one too, and I assumed I would be talking to him again on Monday.

Is this whole house thing going to be this hard the entire way through?  If so, I might as well pack my stuff and move in to the dog house with Carson.  I hope this is the last hiccup in the road to homeownership.

Monday, September 27, 2010

October Is About To Blossom Beneath The Harvest Moon

If you have ever met me, you know quite well the excitement I have for the most mundane of things.  You got those amazing pants at 50% off?  I will do a little cheer for you.  You payed off your credit card bill?  In celebration, I made this four layer cake and this card by hand for you; congrats!They are showing X-Men the animated series on Adult Swim?!? Break out the streamers, it is about to be a party in here!  This week I was even told to take it down a notch at work as I breezed through the halls humming and singing like it was my own personal Broadway rendition of "Hospital: A Comedy".

Needless to say, if the most mundane of events are cause for skywriting and balloon bouquets, you can only imagine the feelings that fill me when traditional reason to celebrate roll around.  With Flip's birthday over, it is now time to turn focus the time of year where I tend to go more overboard than usual.  October is about to blossom beneath the harvest moon and my excitement is beginning to swell.

What is so great about October you ask in a derisive, and might I say a touch snide tone?  It surely cannot be the death of summer's warm embrace or the subsequent lose of the bare limbed hedonism it produces.  October is wonderful because that which is that which is normally eschewed now takes center stage to be reveled in and enjoyed.

Yes folks, in the name of Halloween we are allowed to enjoy the most gruesome displays of human carnage laid out neatly on the front lawn for the neighborhood kids to see.  If October had a marketing team, surely the would tout, "The grosser the better".  The fantastical things we mint in silicone, latex, and plastic is mind boggling.  Severed heads on pikes lining the walk, dismembered torsos used to serve chips and guacamole out of, or rubber knives for guests to tote about as they represent soulless murderers all in the name of good fun.  Going for the gore is something we are only allowed to do during this magical time.  Any other time of year, if you decorate with skulls and electric chairs, the ladies might feel a touch uncomfortable when you ask if they want to go back to your place.

Taking the gore to the next level, I absolutely adore haunted houses.  When else can you pay to enjoy an evening designed to make you produce one or more bodily fluids and it still be legal?  This being my first Halloween back in Vegas, I was worried they would not be into the whole backwoods, Texas Chainsaw, house of redneck horrors thing.  Oh, how wrong I was.  The Fright Dome is Circus Circus' haunted house that goes above and beyond what even an October enthusiast like myself could ever hope for.  There are five separate haunted houses, including one that is Saw themed, a zombie apocalypse one, and for all you coulrophobics out there, a clown one.  I...can...not...wait.

In addition to the live entertainment, the canned media is exception this month.  I am far from a typical girl when it comes to many things, and media is no different.  I love guns, explosions, car chases, hand to hand combat, murder, mayhem, and just about anything found in the horror section of Blockbuster.  October usually nets me gads of movies filmed with only my sheer terror and disgust in mind, and I eat them all up.  Satan worshipping, things that go bump in the night, possessed children, vivisection, or  buckets of blood are all that it really takes to make me all atwitter-patted at preview time.  In addition to the new tales of blood baths offered, it is also time to enjoy all my old friends like, Dawn of the Dead, Hostel, Final Destination, and the best scary movie ever made, I don't care what you say, Thir13en Ghosts.

Despite all the amazingness that happens in October, it really is all about the costumes, oh the costumes. As I am disrobing on All Hallow's Eve, I am already thinking what I am going to be next year.  I have had some great costumes in the past.
Your Conscious - I was the shoulder angel
Carrie - I had to stand there while the blood dried
Marge Simpson - We won best costume this year
A Rockford Peach - I beat a guy with that bat, allegedly.
A flamingo - I won best costume this year too

I am right at the beginning to my final decision making process of what to be this year.  I have been settled on Luna Lovegood for most of the year, but upon sharing my amazing costume idea with other, and getting many quizzical looks, I am reconsidering.  One of my costume rules is that is has to be something people recognize, that I don't have to explain.  You can see why the choice of Luna is giving me trouble.  I have been compiling a short list of ideas.  I can be Lady Justice with her scales, Anne Boleyn, a WWII nurse, The Silk Spector, The Cheshire Cat, a borg member, Alice from Resident Evil, Sally from a Nightmare before Christmas, Jackie O, Betty Page, a Stepford Wife, Mystique, a geisha, a Halo soldier, Amelia Earhart, The White Witch, Sailor Moon, The Mona Lisa, a 50's pin-up girl, Elphaba, a Voodoo Doll, Queen Amidala, and the circulatory system.  

I have no doubt this October will not fail to disappoint.  To all of those out there who are only in it for the candy, I beg you to reconsider October as the best month on record and enjoy it for all that it has to offer.