Here I sit, hours before my flight takes off and I am forced to again leave the city I know so well. The miles between Austin and Vegas never seemed so long. They yawn out before me and threaten to swallow me up. I am always melancholy at this time in the trip. The chasm between the two worlds never seems so real as it does at this very moment. Where am I going? When I say I am going home, where do I really mean? Do my yearly pilgrimages only serve to cause this feeling of disjointedness?
Another Christmas has come and gone, and like every year, I think next year I will be here with my husband. I think, next year I might be too pregnant to fly and will have to have Christmas as newlyweds in our new home. I think, next year my father might not be here to celebrate with us. His health becomes worst every time we see each other. It makes me wonder if I am wasting the years we have together by living two time zones away.
When I graduated, I made a conscious effort to not return to Vegas, so that I could go out and discover who I am. Now that I am found, now that the pieces are a whole, I can take the time to look outwards and realize I have no course. If the two choices were Austin and Vegas, the choice might be easy. Opening my heart to the heavens, I get the impression that neither is my final destination. Change is coming but I am at a lose to what that means. He has told me to embrace change, He has told me that He will make the way clear, He has told me to trust in him. I understand, but it has left me in turmoil. I find it hard to embrace change when I know not what that change is. I find it hard to walk the path when I cannot see around the bend. I think I am finding it hard to trust when I cannot see how all the parts fit together. This is my failure.
Despite my shortcomings, I can see His Hand in my life at this moment. Things are slowly shifting. I feel a slow dying of my established life like a relationship that is ending. Everyday the love we have is visibly withering on the bush. The process is preparing me; make it so that when the break comes it will not be so painful, not so soul-crushing. Still, like a dying relationship, I feel the pain. I miss what we had and long for days gone by. Maybe the hurt is the same, just spread out over a longer time period.
Regardless, of where I am or where I am going. I just have to take solace that who I am at this point in my life is at least right. I have to be thankful that I am where I can hear the voice of the Lord, even if I don't know what it means yet.
