It's Me, Mario!

Let's go on a trip (squiggly flash-back lines here). The year is 1990. Look around your house, but avoid that mirror over there, you are currently wearing a hyper-color, pegged jeans, BKs, and a side ponytail. It is not a pretty sight. What is that you see under the TV? Why it is your childhood best friend, The Nintendo. You and your siblings saw The Wizard in the theaters a couple of months ago and are now after much drooling and begging and maybe a little crying, you finally have the in your hot little hands the game of all games. Super Mario Brothers 3. Can you still hear the triumphant ditty it played at the end of the level when you get your card?

Flash forward to last night when Flip and I stumble upon the option to buy Super Mario Brothers 3 on the Wii. I was so happy, I nearly cried real tears. Five hours later we had successfully filled our evening for 1/4 of what it would have cost to go see a movie. I was transported to the fantasy land of my youth where I knew which blocks were coins, where to find Penny Heaven, and I how to really use a raccoon tail to my advantage. Turns out, I freaking love video games.

I can feel the judgment from many of you. Saying you love video games is akin to saying you love to watch TV. Everyone secretly does, it is just taboo to say. While everyone from Tipper Gore to your mother says that video games will rot your brain, during our extended button mashing fest last night, Flip and I discussed how video games really make your life better. I have decided to share this knowledge with all of you. Get ready to become a believer.

Video games make your life better because...

1. They gives us a common culture much in the same way that movies and TV does. Did you feel that nostalgic pull when you just saw the intro screen picture above. How long could we talk about Contra, Mike Tysen's Punch Out, or Super Pitfall? Next time you are on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, try discussing which Street Fighter character has the best moves. You guys will have enough to talk about to make it through at least dessert.

2. They teach us real life skills. I realized this while playing Grand Theft Auto. I would have never realized the best way to steal a car is to wait at the stop light until I played this game for hours. I mean, that is hard won knowledge I might need to use someday. Also I am pretty sure after playing Rock Band, I could sit in for most drummers.

3. They allow you to be competitive without the danger of throwing mini golf clubs, taking someone's eye out with a Risk piece after you flip the board, or nearly drown your friend trying to wrestle the ball back in pool basketball.

4. They teach you social skills. Now I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but think about all the World Of Warcraft players who have friends all over the world. Those guys would had zero friends before the game, but now they have a chance to talk and interact with others. That also cuts down on the friendless socio-path who are sitting at home, plotting to destroy the world.

5. They reenforces abstinence. Because come on, what girl plays World Of Warcraft?

6. They improve your hand eye coordination, which also reenforces abstinence. If you don't understand that reason, you can email me privately and I will explain it to you in small words. It's okay, I am a nurse, you can ask me.

7. They improve your memory. To this day if you ask my brother where the flute or big shield is in Legend of Zelda is, he can tell you from the other room. This reason is not full proof though, just ask him to recite the pythagorean theorem and I am not sure you would get the same results.

8. They can train you to have various careers. Call of Duty is a perfect example of this. I never considered a career as a professional bad ass until playing this game. I love to snipe from the buildings and severe jugular arteries like a lethal killing machine. That game also has me convinced I can almost speak German. While Call of Duty speaks to me personally, there are plenty of other games out there that could help people realize what they want to do in life. They could play F-Zero and want to be a race car driver, or belt it out with Sing Star and realize their dream is to be on American Idol, or play The Sims and realize they want to become makers of really boring video games.

9. In addition to helping you find your career path, it can also help you once you have the job. I am pretty sure playing hours of Halo and Gears of War slowly deaden you inside and give you a false sense of invincibility, which will make you a great soldier, lawyer, or DMV worker.

10. They teach you endurance. The older platforms were pretty good at this. When you first started playing your hand would cramp after a hour or two of playing, you kept having to stop the game to pee, got all fidgety when your lower extremities cried for circulation. Eventually you began to train your body to work through the developing carpal tunnel syndrome, to sit for long hours in a chair while paying attention, and stretch your bladder to the size of a gas tank. Coincidently, these are all skills you can use in a modern day office. Today we can also use the Wii for this. But be careful to used in moderation at first before the endurance is built up because nothing is more embarrassing than saying you are sore from playing Wii tennis and not regular tennis.

11. They teach you real problem solving. When in the history of the world have so many people been ready to deal with a full blown zombie attack?

12. They teach us morals. Unless you are playing Grand Theft Auto or Soul Reaver, you are most likely the hero in the game. Your goals are almost always good and noble. You are striving to rescue princesses mostly, but can also be trying to stop global destruction, take down a shadowy, semi-legitimate organization, return to a dolphin to it's pod, or save your village from a rampant dinosaur attack. An entire religion could be built upon these principals.

13. They build self confidence. You play enough and you might start to think that you actual look like Lara Croft, that you are so good that Steve Madden would hire you, or that you could really show Tony Hawk a thing or two. True the self confidence is as false as painted on vampire abs, but where do you think those idiots who made Jackass got all that bravado from?

14. They teach us how to assimilate. The games we have now are just prepping the human race for the eventual assimilate that is bound to occur when Terminator like robots take over the world. Gamers will be the only ones who know how to relate to our new overlords.

15. They teach you observational skills. Due to the intense amount of details you must catch in each level and the need to know how to function in each game, your observation skills become so honed that in real life you don't miss a thing.

16. They teach you observational skills. Due to the intense amount of details you must catch in each level and the need to know how to function in each game, your observation skills become so honed that in real life you don't miss a thing.

17. They teach us dedication, patience, and resolution. This is why every lady should look past the pasty skin obtained from hours of indoor play and indentation on the side of the face from the where the game mic has permanently made a place for itself and seriously consider dating a gamer. Even if you guys don't get end up together, just think, you now know someone who will fix your computer.

While it might be Tetris or Dr. Mario that gets your gaming juices flowing instead of Super Mario Brothers 3, I think you should seriously take a break from your book clubs and tea parties and spend a little quality time remembering all the great things that video games have done for you. Until next time, remember how cool you feel right now that when I say up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, select, start, that you knew what I was talking about. See video games just made your life a little bit better.