Singlehood

Recently I had a friend send me all the old posts I had posted on my old blog before I switched over to blogger.com. I quite enjoyed reading over the more literary posts I had crafted, and figured that since I am too tired to blog tonight, I would instead repost a vintage piece entitled, "Singlehood".

(Twenty points to anyone who can post a comment on why this particular picture was chosen for this post)

Glancing at my calendar this week, I noticed that every day was booked except for last Tuesday night. I decided to make a date with myself and go eat at Jason's Deli and look for a new mixing bowl at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I tell you, I am a wild one. A tray full of Beef Eater, strawberries, and Baked Lays in front of me and Jack Johnson's new album on my iPod left me in hog heaven. Two bites into my sandwich I spied a girl I went to nursing school with in line waving at me. Next to her was a tan Adonis who would make Brad Pitt question if he was still the hottest man in the room. I suddenly became acutely aware of my ponytail, hospital t-shirt, and au-juice running down my chin. As I quickly preened myself, she rounded the corner to reveal her swollen abdomen. The conversation started at her belly (twins), then moved on to her new husband (doctor), and her job (none, she is married to a doctor). When we ran out of things to cover in her wonderful life, she craned her neck to eye my meal for one, crinkling her sun-kissed nose, and asked how things were going for me. I updated her on my new job (no, not what I really want to be doing), my new place (I don't own, I still rent), and my love life (we broke up and he is now married). She listened with her head cocked sympathetically as she made circuits around her gravid stomach. Not knowing what to say as she reached for her husband's hand, she hastily blurted out, "Well, good luck with all that".

I sat back down to single serving fare and became to ponder her words. Good luck with that? Good luck with what? Being a single woman of a certain age, you become used to people asking you, "So when are you going to settle down?" I never know quite how to answer that. Should I be glib and tell them that it is on my to-do list, I just haven't gotten around to it yet? Or should I be honest and tell them of the overwhelming loneliness that I feel when my soul cries for its companion? Neither answer is satisfactory, and I unsure of what answer I could possibly give them that would be. I am so weary of others pointing out the fact to me as if I was oblivious. I am more acutely aware of my singlehood than any other person could be. It stalks me and taints everything I touch. I have never tried so hard at something and been so bad at it. I heard once that getting married is like playing duet; you can sit down at the piano and play but not matter how hard you try, it still takes someone else to sit down next to you and play their part.

I tire of sitting through half-hearted conversations that always end in, "I am sure it will happen for you". What makes you so sure, when I am not even sure? In the less than 1% of the entire world's population that is male, LDS, and worthy, what are the chances that I will find one who wants to be with me for eternity. I have trouble getting men to commit to dinner, let alone sacred rites in the House of the Lord. This must be what childless couples feel when someone bouncing a cherubic child on their knee as they too are told, "I am sure it will happen for you". Perhaps people utter these words because they too recognize the bleakness of that future. They cannot imagine what it would be like to walk this world alone, and the thought of eternity yawning out in front of them sends waves of panic through their chest. What else can they say?

There is a definite division between the marrieds and the single. I have bid entire generation of ward families into couplehood and have yet to see one of them since. It is as if they disappear into the spirit world and those of us left on earth can not longer see or speak to them. One day when you slip into the spirit world, you are going to see all the old friends you thought you had lost, just waiting to induct you into their cult. You will start doing things like going to Pampered Chef parties, singing the praises of the Diaper Genie, and perfecting your condolatory head tilts for all those you left behind in singlehood.

After finishing my sandwich and my pondering, I waved across the room to my former classmate as she left. I am happy for her, and truly do hope that the grass is greener on her side of the fence. I would be lying if I did not say that I wish I was her. But on that night, I sat back down at my tiny table, with my ice cream cone in hand and though, you know I might just have another, for no one will be seeing me naked tonight. Let's hear three cheers for me as I strive to enjoy my singlehood.

Catch Other Great Episodes

A guest blogger...

http://charliedickstein.blogspot.com/2010/07/its-not-me-its-you.html

Living Behind Screens

My first Fourth of July back in Vegas was rather low-key but enjoyable. Climbing on to a roof, we had a 360 degree view of everything from Green Valley Ranch to South Point Station to the Strip to the amazing display of questionable legality from the people across the street. Everything from the burst of dazzling lights, to the shimmer of fading glory, to the smell of sulfur that filled my nostrils was so reminiscent of childhood summers and stock American experience that I wanted to capture the moments and squirrel them away forever. I have been a tad gun shy with my camera, as of late, after the realization that it is not appreciated here as it was in Austin, but felt the urge and pulled it out tonight. Viewing the fireworks, filtered through the tiny digital screen, the situation struck me as ironic. Ironic because I was missing the beauty of the moment by trying to capture it.

I was no longer standing there, feeling the warm breeze wash over my legs or marveling at the majesty of the red burst set against blue-black, star strewn sky. I was fussing over settings, light gradients, and zoom qualities. Looking back at what I captured was nothing compared to the memory I could have made had I just stood there and been checked into the moment. I think it is time that each of us should ponder how what happens on the screens in our lives have begun to push aside and supersede the things that go on in the actual, nondigital world that surrounds us.

The screens we yearn to possess, have instead begun to possess us. In grocery stores and shopping malls all I see are kids, teens and adults walking with their faces straight down, all but oblivious to their immediate surroundings, fixated instead on the screens they hold in their palms. They smile, as if at a human being, while ignoring the sea of living people around them. Isolated in a crowd, they tap away at the tiny keyboard.

I am no less guilty of this. For the moment I wake to the time I lay my head upon the pillow, my phone is never more than three feet from me. I have the same crick in my neck from the straight down stare. I have my headphones in ever time I shop. I don't think I have heard a store employee greet me since the day I bought my first iPod. The last four days has shown me how far the problem extends. My new iPhone manifest a glitch in the hardware and became unpredictable. I could not text message, or check Facebook, or read emails. I felt like a heroine addict with an unreliable dealer. Is this an addiction, or merely the result of our ever shrinking attention span? Perhaps it is both.

Regardless, I cannot go anywhere without my phone. I am sure I am not the only one who has experienced this in the past. You leave home to go to dinner or to Starbucks or the movies, but once you arrive, you realize, to your horror, that you have somehow forgotten your phone. You are inadvertently phoneless, screenless, helpless. What is this? You start to feel vaguely jittery. You feel untethered and unreachable. You briefly consider actually leaving to go home to go your phone. How will you pass the time while the guy in front of you orders to most complicated coffee in the world? Will you really have to be checked in while you zig-zag your way through the grocery store? Will you have to make actual dinner conversation with your co-diner before the food comes? You are only going to be away from it for two hours, at most, yet you are going through classic withdrawal symptoms.

It is hard to remember, but we all seemed to get along pretty well in the days before the screens invaded our lives. We navigated life rather efficiently when we knew that once we left the house, no one would be able to reach us until we came back. We did not need constant connectability, the ability to be reachable at all time. We did not require ceaseless digital bombardment. Had it been offered all at once, instead of a gradual change to the world at large, we probably would have rejected it outright, like a first free taste of heroin.

Screens are in our lives everywhere; TV, movies, computers, phone, cameras, video games, etc. While we will never get away from them, we can for just a moment look away and experience our own lives in full, HD, 3-D color. Go ahead, try it. Look away from this screen. Look around you, out the window or across the room or down the street. Isn't it something? It looks so real, you half-believe you can touch it.

Serial Monogamist

I love books. Not the way you love Chinese food or the feeling of sand between your toes. Our intercourse is that of lovers. Each new affair begins differently: some take-off with the excitement and flush of new love; some begin long and languid, making me unsure and self-conscious. As our liaison progresses, my world becomes completely consumed by him. It is hard to distinguish where he ends and I begin. Daily thoughts run over his themes and characters as if they were intimate curves. I walk through my day in a fog; replaying his words or clever turn of phrase from the night before. His words upon my lips, soft and familiar. As I lay my head down behind my eyes I rush forward to peer down the road and attempt to see where our story is going. Sometimes the path is clear, and the thrill is in the travel, but others the way is obscured. So many possibilities swarm and mill about that the joy is in exploring each in turn. Opening his pages, he takes me further and further down his road, into his world.

But then, alas, as all things in my life, this too must end. No matter what kind of relationship we had, there will be the day when my fingers dance upon the last page. This moment is always bittersweet. It is the culmination of the thousands and thousands of words that proceed; all questions are answered, all sub-plots resolved, the length of the road seen. It leaves me feeling completed and whole Although, it is also the moment that I have to say good-bye, good-bye to his protagonist that is as familiar as actual friends, the moment I must leave his vivid world, the moment our interlude ends. Hollow and empty, he has given me all he can. He no longer hold any secrets or mysteries for me to rejoice in discovering. Our time together has ended, but the love I felt while between his pages will always be with me; it is part of me.

Literature pulses through my veins and pervades my soul. Nothing can replace Vladimir Nabokov lamenting, "Lolita, Lolita"; hearing his need and desperation in that one word. John Steinbeck taught me that there is beauty in even a turtle crossing a dust covered road. Who can not read Ernest Hemingway and taste the sea in their mouth? Each book falls into my past and alters my course forward. Each time I gain new words to express all the depth of my person or a different way of looking all that surrounds me. Each washes over my brain like a single wave washing over quartz, until their cumulative affect has left something entirely different from what was once there. With an eye facing forward, the question becomes whom will I take to bed with me tonight? Will it be Irvin, or Joyce, or perhaps will I once again rendezvous to Orwell? One can never tell, that is the fun in being a serial monogamist.

The First 100 Days

The first 100 days is a term that was first applied to my favorite president, Franklin D. Roosevelt. When FDR took office, the country was in financial ruins and he was tasked with pulling the country out of the Great Depression. Not only did he do so, but he did it all in the first 100 days of office. Fairly or not, all new presidents' first 100 days are graded against the spectacular things that FDR did with his. During this honeymoon period, new presidents try to harness the power of a successful campaign and use that political capital to implement their main programs and fulfill campaign promises. The first 100 days is often used as a yard stick for how the rest of a president's term will go, their ability flourish in their new roles, and sets the tone for the rest of their term.

Today marks the first 100 days I have lived in Vegas since the big move from Austin. While what I have done in the last 100 days is not shaping world politics or the US economy, I thought it rather fitting to see how my own First 100 days report card would read.

1) Artistic/creative - I must say I have defiantly improved in this area. While working 5 day week and having a hectic social life in Austin, I had little time to write. Since I now work nights and there is no one up at 4 am to chat with, I have been not only blogging more regularly, but also writing again. I am in the middle of writing two short stories and have been knocking around an idea for a third. In addition to the joy of actually putting pen to paper, I have also found that it has me paying closer attention to style and craft when I read and I now will find myself composing while I am doing nothing more than grocery shopping. Plus my graffiti habit has escalated since the move. That counts as creativity, right? Rating: Upgrade

2) Career - I love being a nurse. It is almost as much of who I am as being Mormon is. I know what a rarity it is to have found one's niche in life, but I was lucky enough to have done so. I learned to much while working in clinic, but as many of you know, I am and always was a hospital nurse. I crave the joy that comes after a crisis has passed and upon review, I knew exactly what to do. I love the stories I get to tell, I love seeing things normal people will never get to see, and I love, on the most human level, being there for people when they have nothing else. Even though this floor at this particular hospital was not what I had hoped for, the work is still essentially the same. Rating: Upgrade

3) Community - It is rather hard to say anything about this category because I am now working the night shift. No one holds political rallies, lets you walk shelter dogs, or judge toddler beauty contest in the middle of the night. Red was great at getting us out into our community and giving back, even if our service made it so I never want to ever paint another house as long as I live. Rating: Downgrade

4) Family - Last Sunday was Father's Day. Flip and I went out to my parent's house and had a feast fit for a Roman. Driving back home, I thought back to 10 years of holidays I spent at other people's houses, with their families. Christmas Eve and morning at Red's house with four rowdy brothers, birthday dinners at Frankie's with a dessert that was a well-deserved tradition, Thanksgiving at Princess' with the most tense football game of my life; all are priceless memories and made me feel so loved to have been part of that. The first time it was my awkward photos on the wall, my stories the parents told, the first time my parents got to meet a friend that was not from high school. It was the first time that I got to be on the giving side of the equation, and throughly enjoyed it. Rating: Upgrade

5) Financial - Well, while the move zapped all savings down to $60, my new job does pay more. The downside is that I work less, so the pay is only slightly better here. The bonuses I got for signing on to work for the company are what is going to push this category in a positive way. Also, I have been exposed to this whole 401K business which is supposed to make me a millionaire or something. I am not sure how that works, but assured it does. Rating: Upgrade

6) Fitness - I went down from going to the gym three times religiously to not even having a gym membership. While the sheer amount of dancing we do here has replaced my cardio, I have lost the definition I once had. I also strangely miss Frankie telling me to work for Kate arms, Megan Fox abs, and various other actresses body parts. Rating: Downgrade

7) Friends - I have been sitting here wondering what to say here. Austin has the advantage of ten years of my adult life, and the vast majority of my Mormon years. I could go to parties and see people who I had not seen forever and be right back where we were when we last saw each other, or I could see marrieds at Stake Conference with their three kids and remember when I went to their wedding. Here I am the new fish, the one who gets to meet everyone for the first time. I have met so many new people who are just as fun, and vivacious as my Austin friends. Trying to compare the two was nearly impossible, but in the end I realize just because I now live here and have made new friends, this does not mean I have lost my other friends, only added to them. Rating: Upgrade

8) Fun - Entertainment Capital of the World. Sorry Austin. Rating: Upgrade

9) Health - With the death of the gym, that sneaky little monster called asthma has popped back into my life. Some of you might remember that the reason I joined the gym in the first place was on the recommendation of my doctor who told me that running can increase my lung capacity and decrease my need for medication. Running three times a week had me medication free. Since I have been here I have had one full blown asthma attack in Huntington Beach and a close call while out dancing last week. My lung have spoken. Rating: Downgrade

10) Learning/intellectual - Getting re-certified in BLS, ACLS, PALS, NRP, TNCC and the CCRN, not to mention all the drugs I have not used in years has me doing more studying than I have done in quite a while. Don't worry about what all those letters mean, all they mean is you are going to be very, very safe next time you hang out with me. Rating: Upgrade

11) Personal relationships - How can nothing be greater than nothing? I guess since Vegas has 12 YSA wards, and Austin has 4 then Vegas has to take it. Rating: Upgrade

12) Spiritual - We are going to save this category for a later post. Stay tuned.

After the votes were tallied, Vegas wins with an 8 out of 11. Somedays are hard, and I really do miss the ease and comfort of Austin. I had a hard time making the decision to move, but when all is said and done, I really am happy here. Thank you to all my friends (especially Princess and The Peacemaker) back in Austin who encouraged me to make such a huge leap when I was so scared to even think about the possibility.

Your Browser History As Embarrassing As Mine?

Being still relatively new to the whole Mac world, tonight I was scrolling over my menu bar and just looking over what my options were right there at the top of the page. I scrolled across the "History" drop down and pulled down the list of the the most recent websites I had been to. I was a touch embarrassed and instantly wanted to purge the whole thing in case I found myself at the Apple store trying to explain to the guy why I visited Failblog more times that I did CNN.com. The feeling quickly passed as realized they probably saw way more embarrassing histories from frat guys and well, just about any guy, and decided instead to see what I have been really spending my time doing.

Tonight:

1. Text From Last Night - Today Flip and I went to Urban Outfitters and I stubbed upon the book that came from this website and it was highly inappropriate but hilarious none the less. The entire website is comprised of things friends text messaged to each other that taken out of context or just read are down right ridiculous. I spent a good hour tonight reading page after page of this stuff. Just a warning, you might not want to read this at work, so I will paste in some funny, but clean entries.

• How do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way - you don't

• And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.

• Told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

2. Post Secret - This is a website that I only recently was introduced to. People take their darkest, most embarrassing secrets, place them on a postcard and mail them anonymously to this guy who lives somewhere back East. Every Sunday he post a fresh crop of them on the website for everyone to see their secret shame. If that sounds like to much work for you, but still want to share you deepest, darkest secret, please feel free to do so in the comment section.

3. Google Search: Phone backgrounds - I am sure you are all well aware I am picking up my new iPhone in a few hours. It will have the ability to have a background picture on the desktop, so I was browsing to see if there were any I liked. I wish it was only phone backgrounds, but on in the history there was also, superhero phone backgrounds, star trek phone backgrounds, Diet Coke with Lime phone backgrounds. Perhaps the last should have been, how to tell people I am a nerd backgrounds.

4. Facebook is on here more often than I would like to admit. If I tried to list every last time I was on there, this post would be nothing but Facebook visits. I may or may not have a problem.

5. Apple.com - After telling someone that their iPhone 3g would be able to have the new operating system and all the new amazing features, I logged on to see which features will be available with the update. Seriously, I should work for Apple.

6. Two episodes of "True Beauty" - I watched two episodes of "True Beauty", and all I could think was, really ABC, after Lost went off the air, this is the best you can do for me. Sure I sound condescending, but that did not stop me from watching the show, now did it?

7. Blog Spot - I seriously log on to the site everyday. Why have conversations with friends when you can just follow them. It is all the benefits of being friends in real life with out any of the downers. By the way, thanks for reading.

Wednesday:

8. Cooks.com - homemade tortillas - Yup, this is what you get for watching Top Chef at 2 in the morning and thinking to yourself, yeah, that doesn't look that hard.

9. Luxor - Bodies exhibit - how cool is this place? It is an entire exhibit of dead people. It is just like being at work, except I have to pay them and I don't ever have to worry if I secretly did something to put them in that state.

10. Awkward Family Photos.com - Who does not love this page? Where else would I find out that it is always a bad idea to take pictures of your naked pregnant belly, with guns, or in one case with your naked pregnant belly and guns?

Tuesday:

11. YouTube - What did people do before Youtube? I guess you just had to hear about some guy getting hit in the groin with a baseball bat, or racking himself trying to do a rail slide, or one drunk guy junk punching another. There is almost no way a guy can get hit in the good anymore without it ending up available for the general public to view. No in the market for a good laugh at men doubled over in pain, I spent the day looking at Radiohead videos, acoustic versions of "Nice Dream", and almost every video this kid David Day made. Day has a serious thing for Miley Cyrus.

12. Blog Spot - This was me writing my the last post I published. See, not everything I site I visit is a complete waste of time.

13. Myxer - This is a website where you can make your own ringtones. I could not get the fetching thing to work, despite it working for others. I tried sending it to my phone, downloading it, and sending it directly to my phone. I am not helpless, but if you want to send me a ringtone, I will use it. No matter what it is. Take this as a dare.

14. Bellagio - Art Museum - Apparently I need to get out more, instead of just looking at cool things to do on the internet. I really want to hit this exhibit before it rotates. They have a Picasso there right now. I bet it would look great over my couch.

15. Story name generator - I am the worst at coming up with names for my stories, so I cheat a little, but this website had the most outlandish suggestions. Magnus Brown? Peter Coffyn? I would be better served by just naming my characters boy 1, girl 2, and dog.

Monday:

16. Google Search: What is a Bonjour list and how do I put my AIM friends on my iChat list? - I still could not figure it out. Why am I so retarded at this kind of stuff? I think that geeks secretly make it impossible for normal people to do it on their own so that they are always ensure jobs and that girls will desperately ask them for help.

Sunday

17. Google Search: Description of necrotic tissue

18. Google Search: What does death smell like

19. Google Search: Description of way Zombies move

20. Google Search: List of step of body decomposing

21. Google Search: Appearance of urine in a cadaver - Please do not call the police, I can prove that this is all for a story.

22. Google Search: How long does it take to get from LA to San Paolo

23. Google Search: Weight of an airplane - Further proof that I am not psychotic and secretly learning how to dispose of your body. I will post the story when I am done.

24. Google Search: Brazilian fruits

25. Google Search: Ways to contract a virus - Seriously, how did writers ever research anything before the internet? The library. I would be to lazy to write a single word.

Saturday:

26. Facebook - It is embarrassing how much I am on this page. This was the only page I visited all day. I have visited it several times while actually typing this post. If I could put Facebook in the picture of picture on the TV, I would.

Friday:

27. Rainbow cake recipe - This is the cake we made for The Black Widow's birthday. I was amazing I could actually pull this cake off. I was sure at several points in the process that we were going to have to chuck the whole thing and buy a cheap white sheet cake from Walmart.

28. Nothing Bunt Cakes - Okay, so maybe I don't know how to spell bundt.

29. Nothing Bundt Cake - This website looks like a bakery and a scrap-booking store had sex and this is their bastard child. No joke.

30. Blockbuster queue - I added True Blood: Season Two and Never Back Down. Judge me if you want.

31. Google Search: Matthew Fox Shirtless - Not sure how we go to this point, but if you did not judge me on the last one, you can feel free to do so now.

Thursday:

32. Google Search: Silk Spector - Awesome or creepy? Awesome because I am once again looking up superheroes or creepy because it was on the heels of Matthew Fox shirtless search? Do I ever Google fully clothed people?

33. Google Search: Lost Explained - Weird, it was just a blank page. Oh right, because there are no answers to be had

34. Anthropologie - It is like worshipping at the alter. I did not buy anything, but it sure is nice to look. I would love so much to decorate my whole house from there, but am a little gun shy after EVERYONE who sees my teapot lamp tells me how much they hate it.

After laying my surfing habits out for all the see, I wonder if yours is worse than mine. I can handle the furtive looks from the Apple store guy, but can you? Tell me, is your browser history even more embarrassing than mine?

From Today to Yesterday

Tonight as I settled behind the wheel, I turned the on heater and as a blast of warm air bathed my face I caught a slight hint of that new car smell still hiding somewhere way back in the vents of my car. I had not smelled this smell in months. Slowly as I became accustomed to my car, climbing in and out everyday that smell faded from notice. But tonight I was falling back in time to the moment I opened my driver's side door for the first time on the car lot. The smell was so strong as it wafted out into the muggy night air. The memory is so sharp that the whole scene is laid out before me from the way the halogen lot lights changed the shade of my shirt, to the bite of my purse upon my shoulder, down to the way the bottom of my feet were slightly sticky against my plastic bottomed sandals.

Often one thing can be so associated with another that you don't even realize it is gone, or changed, or missing till something jolts you back to how it used to be. Long after the event has come or gone or the person has come in and left out of our lives the smell or taste of them is still sitting on your brain in intangible drops hidden beneath a tangled mass of years but when you come upon them they are poignant edifices of memory. Falling into one can conjure up a complex vision of the things you love, the things that make you who you are today, and the things you never want to lose.

This is how a song will come on my iPod and I will be insantly be transported back to an aisle of Target trying to decide between plum and purple nail polish. It is how I will almost be able to feel the warm beat of the sun upon the apple of my cheeks as I walked across campus towards home just by a the smell of freshly mowed grass. It is how a passages of a book will bring back the heaviness of heart from a time when the words were more than literature but reflected my own feelings. It is almost as if it was a short cut from today to then, from now to yesterday. A direct string that could pull me back to that very moment that my nose was full of a lover's perfumed skin or I felt the crackle beneath my hands of breaking ribs the first time I did CPR.

While some memories are vaulted to the front of our minds, most moments in our lives are ever so ephemeral; gone with a beat of a butterfly’s wings. Our lives are fluid and wash into the past second by second, lost forever. What is it that makes some moments go missing in the muck and mire of my memory, subject to the ravages of a corporeal vault, while others are so brilliant that they blaze when visited? I can tell you what Red will order at almost every restaurant in the greater Austin area, exactly where Flip left his flash drive, the very shade of deep azure blue The Preacher's eyes are, or the way Frankie clasps his hands and crinkles his left eye when he laughs, but cannot tell you how old I was when I learned to whistle, what my fourth grade teacher's name was, or a single pair of shoes I had before the age of 15. The mind chooses memories like a child collecting rocks. Some are chosen for their aesthetic value, some for their size, but most are chosen indiscriminately, plucked from obscurity and made special.

As calendar days flicker past, more of my life will slip between the thin pinch in the hourglass. Before I know it, most of my sand will have settled along the bottom. Reviewing my past, I will not be able to remember days, but will only be able to remember moments. My life available for recall at an instant when the most amount of memories will be at my disposal. While my mistakes and regrets will surely come to mind, I hope there will be memories that will warm the cockles of my heart, memories that I cannot even list here because the best is yet to come. Those memories will be the sum total of who I am, for good or bad because even at the end the past is never dead.