Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Patient Zero

That familiar feeling is creeping back in. The wheels of the plane make a horrendous screech as they slam up back down to Earth. Terra Firma. The feeling has been hovering on the edge of my consciousness since I awoke in a different time zone, in a different country, in a different world it almost feels like. If I had to assign words to this feeling, it would most closely resemble apprehension or perhaps even sadness, but neither word can really encapsulate the emotion associated with returning home.
That same miracle, that same one ton of steel breaking with gravity and whisking me away with hopes of adventure and a suspension of reality is now the same drudgery that now brings me back to banality. I left with hopes of adventures I did not read in a book or hear about from friends or watch in surreal colors on television. For ten marvelous, awe-inspiring days I lived that dream, but now I must return to my hopeless hamlet and leave behind that ephemeral joy.
Those days in Brazil held so many first for me. It was my first time experience the oppressiveness of humidity. At this moment I can almost feel the thin sheen of sweat that constant covers your entire body while you are doing nothing more than lounging in the evening air at a street side cafe. The moisture in the air was so thick that it collected in a fog across the hotel windows until in the heat of the day broke the fog into beads of sweat that raced each other down the panes.
It was the first time I experienced fruits named things exotic things like caju, jaca, and maracuja. Although they did not sound as exotic rolling out of my American mouth as they did from the dark skinned rag-tag kids that stopped by the hotel to sell them to the foreigners every morning. As I bit off slabs of their flesh, rolled the unfamiliar textures across my tongue, and wiped their juices away as they escaped out the corner of my lips, I marveled that they grew from the same ground as the mundane fruit I was accustomed to.
It was the first time I camped in the open air, trying to truly become aware of the nature around me. I slept with nothing between me and the canopy of interwoven leaves; the jungle singing its song all around me. I looked down at the now bluish bite on underside of my left wrist that was proof that there was not even the canvas of a tent between me and the raw nature I was looking for. Noticing the bite gave me the urge to scratch the swollen bump that was twice what it was a day ago, but I resisted.
For ten days I felt like I had shook off the invisible blanket of gray that covered everything in my life. For ten days colors were brighter, life was louder, and my consciousness has been awakened. I felt everything from breathing to moving was new and exciting. But looking out the tiny gray portal of the plane, I can feel the blanket falling over my eyes and settling on my shoulders.
Soon the plane was leaving the landing strip and slowly making its way to the gate. The artificial, recycled air was suddenly sweeter and warmer as the pumps pulled in air from outside the plane. The arid smell of the dry dirt of the desert rushed in and began to stealing the moisture from inside my nose. The sensation rushes from my nose to the back of my throat where it triggers a cough.
I sputter and then cough into my hands.  I can feel the portly guy sitting in the middle seat, who’s bulk had slowly been invading my space for the last 14 hours give me a contemptuous glance over his shoulder without moving his head.  As if the audacity it took to cough while in his vicinity was an unforgivable sin. Out of shear spite I coughed harder to give him something to stare at.
Suddenly there a familiar copper taste rushed into my mouth. Perhaps I put just a touch more effort into that than I should have.  When I pull back my hands, I can see they were covered with a mucusy red mess that startles me. I had tasted the blood as soon as it left the back of my throat, but this blood was the deep crimson of blood that was old and exposed to air. My confusion gave way to sudden embarrassment when I realized that my fat friend was now openly staring at me.
Agoged, I close my palms and pull at the corner of my jacket that is sitting just inside the open zipper of my backpack and quickly wipe away the evidence of my drama gone awry. Looking back up, Mr. 14B had already hopped into the aisle. Suddenly overcome with overwhelming exhaustion, I just sat for a moment to, not only allow him to make his escape, but also to muster enough energy to make my way home.
Standing on the four linoleum squares that made up my entry way to my expansive 712 square feet apartment, I can not help but notice how deathly quite it is. Before I left I had power down everything that normally whirls, buzzes, and hums in preparation for my absence. In shafts of the orangey, early evening sunlight filtered the through the dead air, dust particles float down to find places on my furniture that I will then surely fail to dust for several months.  Everything here testified of the feeling I could not put words to. It is quite as a tomb, and devoid of life.

There is no cat to call to, no plant to rush to and quench its parched soil. Instead, I sag down into the couch, even more weary than I was at the airport. I am sure my travel worn feeling was from actual travel. I collect enough strength to chortle at my own wit.  Assessing how the rest of my evening would play out, I wonder why I am not hungry. I have not eaten since San Paolo. The smells of greasy hamburgers and fried sides during my lay over in Miami did nothing to stimulate my appetite.  Bedraggled, I decide it is time to just call it a day. I take only myself, no bags, into the bedroom where I fall into bed without removing an stitch of clothing, a smear of makeup, or either contact. Sleep claims me quickly and completely.

********************* 
Trying to rouse myself from slumber makes me feel like Lazarus waking from the dead. Opening my eyelids feels like a near impossible task, so I leave them shut for a moment and assess the rest of my body. My limbs are heavy and it takes a concentrated effort to move them. The sheet I must have found in the night and thrown over me suddenly feels like a death shroud.  I must get it off of me immediately. Slowly, with exaggerated jerking motions, I coax my sand filled legs into kicking the sheet off.  Now slightly winded and still exhausted, I wonder idly how much sleep I have gotten, for my body is surely testifying it was minimal.  Prying open oysters is easier than peeling back my lids to start the day.  I turn my head towards the clock. The large, red numbers are blurry and danced about wavily. Squinting, I can now make out the numbers.
"No!" I hissed out. I had slept 12 hours. I usually cannot make it four because the urge to void will not let me slumber longer.
Pushing up off the bed, I stagger a little bit as my legs are slow to respond. It takes a couple of pumps before the muscle memory required to stand erect and move returns to them. I make my way to the toilet, turn and sit. And there I sat, and sat, and sat.  Finally a trickle begin. The acrid smell assaults my nostrils before the sound of the urine hitting the water reaches my ears. Peering down, I could see the stream was a cloudy and dark amber in color.
The panic sat in my chest for a full beat before I began to make the connections that seemed so obvious now. Doing a quick self assessment, no appetite, body aches, blurred vision, the odd urine...I am sick. This is just my luck. As I ponder my luck that I am not working today when the image of my blood covered hands from yesterday flashes across my mind.  Of course I am sick. It seemed so obvious now.
A couple of hours l came to the conclusion I was sick and I am now in a nearly vacant waiting room trying to decide between “People” and “Newsweek” to read. Sly I look around before passing up "Newsweek", and pick up “People”.  I sit down and my muscles seem stiff and non-compliant. I have a sinking suspicion this was going to be more than just a cold.
Trying to focus on the spreads of glossy photos and bold words becomes an impossible task. My vision seems to worse than it was this morning looking for the alarm clock. I shut the magazine in frustration and let it fall between my knees. I tilt my head back, leaning it against the wall and let the exhaustion wash over me.
It is minutes later that the nurse calls me back.  Embarrassment flushes at how I have to rock back and forth to get to my feet, and even more so when I turn and see the darkened spot on the wall where my head had been.  With a quick glance around, I am ensure I am the only one who notices and shuffle after the pert nurse into the back part of the office.
The climb onto the table is torture. The paper crinkles beneath me as I try to reposition myself so I am centered and there is no chance of a fall off the excessively high table. The nurse busied herself filling out the blank sheet on the front of my chart.
“Reason for visit today”, she chirped out without her eyes ever leaving the paper.
My list of symptoms tumble out of my mouth. I follow each with a short pause to allow her to record them. She scratched them on to the paper with a false, painted on look of sympathy.
After writing far more on the paper than just my symptoms, she exchanges the chart for a rolling machine with a blue front display. She slides a tiny, latex sleeve with a glowing red light over my finger, and then begin to encircle my arm with the the blood pressure cuff, she starts the cuff’s anaconda squeeze and turns to pull out a thermometer. Sticking the probe under my tongue without any attempt at eye contact, she goes back to her scribbling.
Beep, beep, beeeeep. The nurse peels her eyes away from the scribbling and inspects the front of the machine as she nits her brow in a cute, practiced way.
“Problem?”, I mumble out the side of my mouth, trying not to not drop the thermometer.
“This stupid thing, we just got it and already it has decided to quit on us.” Punching some buttons, the cuff begins to inflate again. The hum of the small compressor continues on and on. Real frustration bursts across her face and for the first time since I walked into the room, she has checked into the situation. She reaches up to remove the now flaccid cuff from my arm, and the white coated, grey bearded doctor walks in.
The nurse, flustered, turns to face him and said, “I am so sorry Dr. Stevens, I know you are running behind but this stupid vital sign machine is not working. It says her heart rate is 36, her temperature is to low to read and the blood pressure cuff just inflates and never takes a reading.” She furiously begins to punch more buttons on the display.
“No matter, we can get them after the exam. Can I see the chart?” he says as his eyes scan the room for the elusive chart.

Glad for the chance to escape reprimand, the nurse pushes the defunct machine into the corner of the exam room, hands over the chart, and hastily beat a retreat towards the door.
Afflicted by the same inability to look me in the eye, he addresses me as his eyes scan over the paper.
“So we have been feeling a little under the weather have we?”, he lilts.
Silently I thought, “We have not been under the weather, you were not there when ‘we’ vomited in the parking lot? No, you were not”. I thought it but did not say it. Instead, I politely tell him about fetid urine, the random bloody incident on the plane, today’s vomiting without the forewarning of nausea, the weakness that made me feel like the walking dead.
“Vomiting, weakness, a bloody nose, and the urine.” He rattles off as he turns towards the counter behind him and grabs a pad. His pen scratched across the script and he tears it off with a practiced swipe.  He hands it to me as he said, “I am sure that you just have a bladder infection. Fill this and call my nurse in a week if you don’t feel better.
Before I can look up from the prescription in my hand, he is out the door. The whole exchange took less than three minutes. I am unsure if I should be mad that he did not live up to the paternal figure TV always assured me doctors were or to be relieved that he is so good that he did not even have to examine me to know what was wrong.  Mad wins the struggle.
Pulling myself off the table is an extraordinary effort. One foot hit the ground and there is no second leg to catch me. I windmill and bang my forearm on the edge of the counter. Mad before, I am now seething. I drag myself to the car and make a draining drive to the pharmacy, then home where I fall into my sheets fully clothed.
****************************

The room is so bright. Opening my eyes, I blink rapidly, trying to save my screaming retinas from the pain. Squinting I look up at the ceiling. How long have I be laying here? What is that horrendous smell? The pervasive smell is a sour smell that reminded me vaguely of the way my trunk used to smell after a flank steak escaped a grocery bag and went green before discovery. I quickly decide the smell somehow emanating from me.  Even if the smell was not me, I am sure I need to bathe since I have not showered since Brazil.
I shuffle into the bathroom and it takes a few moments for me to flip the shower on since my hand is having trouble closing properly around the knob.  I slowly undress. Ugh, the smell must be in my clothes, for when I began to undress, the smell got stronger. Perhaps when I vomited yesterday, I got some on me and just did not realize it. I want the clothes as far away from me, while I showered, as possible. Crossing the bathroom, I put them in the corner.
Heading back to the shower, I catch my reflection in the mirror. I am ghastly. I am so pale. Where has my sun kissed skin from the warm Brazilian sun gone? I can not believe the cadaverous face staring back at me from the mirror was mine.
Slowly I raise my left arm to touch my face and when I do, I receive a shock that pales in comparison to the one I just had noticing my pastiness. Bringing my arm up into my field of vision, I can see that the entire area from my previously nickel sized bite to my elbow was a deep blue that is bordering on black. The color streaks down my arm, illuminating the arteries and veins that resided right under my skin.
Horrified I look back to the mirror and the back of my arm comes into view. My God, what was happening? The entire back of my forearm looks like something out of a horror movie. The area that I struck on the counter yesterday at the doctor’s office has now split along the long line made by the counter. The pale skin has peeled back, revealing the structures underneath. Only they no longer look like skin or connective tissue or muscle. Instead of the warm pink glow you expect your innards to be, they are only a shade or two lighter than blue that covers the other side of my arm.
Unbelieving of what the mirror is showing me, I bring my arm up so my eyes can confirm what I thought I was seeing. As soon as my arm comes close to my face, I realize for the first time, the putrid smell is coming from me. The smell is now so strong in my nostrils that it can no longer be confused with anything else. It was the smell of death.
Pure panic flashes across me. I do not know what to do. The smell continues to recycle and send the same smell of putrefaction to my brain every time I draw a breath. All I want is for the smell to be off of me.
The shower runs behind me, so I move into it and snap the door closed behind me. A deep sob escapes past my lips and I douse all the shampoo that would come out of the bottle with a gigantic squeeze down my front. My right arm still functions, so I furiously begin to spread the sea foam green slippery mess around my body. Tears mix with the water from the shower head and around my feet I can see the entire floor of the shower become a slimy green mess. 
Another wave of panic crashes over me, and I lean to grab the bottle again, to empty the rest of the contents unto myself. Leaning over, the slick alkaloidic mess covering the shower floor squishes between my toes and I pitch forward. Putting my hands out in front of me to catch myself did nothing. Covered in slick, green soap, both of my hands slam against the glass of the shower door and shoot out in opposite directions. The last thing I see, is my head meeting the glass.
*****************
Waking up, I somehow know I am different. I have a general awareness of my body, but I cannot call what I am experiencing feeling.  Feeling is like a movie, bright and tells a story; flickering information, more at times, less at other.  This, instead, is like a picture.  Flat, static, and conveying only two dimensional information.  The water is still running over my feet, and although I know it must now be running cold, it does not chill me as cold water should. The only thing that I must now focus on is my brain saying I have to move, I must get up, I must get off of this floor.
While I struggle to put my decision of movement into action, a sound like gravel hits my ears. There is crunching and popping as I stand.  With my feet finally beneath me, I look down and notice that the sound was not gravel at all, but the thousand glittering bit of glass that was once the shower door, spread across the floor like beads of morning dew. After I am able to stand up, I look down further and I can see my naked body is now the repository for hundreds upon hundreds more. Each sticks out at different angles, but none of them causing the bright droplets of blood one would expect to be to escaping from around each point.
I try to pull my arms up to brush some of the glass off of me, but instead find it almost impossible to bend them at the elbows, like a metal rod has replaced my, my, my...I could not think what they are called. Arm bones is right, but there is a different word, other words that I want, but could not bring forward. Trying to pull the obscure word out of my brain, is like trying to swim through murky waters.  The word is not important, but I want to see how badly the glass has infected my once smooth skin. I drag each foot forward, my arms still extended, and walk over to the mirror. 
The first thing I notice is not the thousand points of light the glass shards create in the florescent glow of the bathroom light, or the pale blue hue my skin had taken on, or my swollen and bloated belly.  It is the gaping wound on my arm, and how it was not festering, or oozing exudate, or attempting to scab over as a wound trying to heal would.  Instead, it is cold and dead.  I examine it with detachment because it is impossible to feel that the dead thing is even a part of me. Had you severed it at the shoulder and handed it to me, it would be no different to me than the condition it is in now.  Despite the way my legs feel, numb and oddly heavy, I know that they were yet the dead flesh of my arm.  I can feel the total death starting to spread down from the shoulder to my chest wall and across my back.  Soon my entire body will no longer be in the process of dying, it will be completely enveloped.

It is in this moment, contemplating the moment of total cellular death, that I sense the natural conclusion to this train of thought.  Looking at myself is not easy, as a thin film of milkiness now clouds my vision, but what I can see are all the things that make this outrageous thought even a remote reality.  Had it not been so horrible, I would feel the need to guffaw at how ridiculous the thought gnawing at the edge of my brain was. 

The word zombie keeps trying to surface into my conscious mind, but no, that is ludicrous.  I don't understand how this could have happened, but no other conclusion made sense.  Although, did this even really make sense?  Zombies were fodder for sci-fi books and second rate movies, not something you worry about like cancer or heart disease.  Yet, could there be any other conclusion? 
My mind feels like it was trying to come to a conclusion while sinking in a puddle of nectar thick liquid.  Standing there, I cannot seem to muster enough mental clarity work through the problem.  Stalled in thought and stark naked for longer than I care to admit, I decide that while I may have one foot in the grave that I am not totally there yet.  Unable to think of any other course of action, I decide I must get back to Dr. Stevens' office.  

It could have been minuets or hours that passed as I struggled to clothe myself.  I was unaware of anything other than how difficult the process was. I decided to forgo the attempt to brush my hair or apply makeup as to not startle all those I was sure to come into contact with on the way over.  I did not even try to remove the tiny points of glass sticking out all over my front and simply pulled a simple wrap dress around myself.  I paired it with a house slippers, out of sheer need, for they were already on the floor.  

After the ordeal of getting dressed, while wondering what could be have been harder when I suddenly had my answer.  The same lose of time occurred, moments turned to minutes as I stand at the front door, arms extended out in front of me, trying to figure out how to get through it.  Making decisions is becoming harder and harder.  I finally am able to make a grip with my one good hand, and swing the door in.  The swing inward come quicker than I expect and rebounded back as it ricochets off the side of my face.  I stand startled; not because it hit me for my reactions are such that there would have been no way to avoid it,  but because I am still not accustomed to the lack of sensation.  

I maneuver myself around the door and emerge onto my porch.  Stepping out into the sunlight, the world seems wrong.  My apartment door still looks out onto the street with duplexes lining the other side, but it is like someone turned down the volume on the entire scene.  Matte and muted, the entire world seems to meld together.  No one thing stands out against the wash of blandness.

Then movement comes across my vision and in an instant, it is all I can concentrate on.  It is a jogger.  He bounces up and down, his shirtless body glistening with sweat.  Watching him takes over my entire being.  All that is in me is drawn to him and his smooth motion.  I watch him bound down the sidewalk, and then there is suddenly something else.  Below the movement I can sense something, something magnetic, something so inviting.  I can sense, what was this I am sensing, his heart, his warmth, how alive he is?  I am not sure, but I feel so drawn to it.  All I want is to be as close to him as I can. 

Spurred by the unfamiliar draw, I start my shuffle towards him.  Letting one stiff foot fall in front of the other, I try to push my stiff legs faster to reach his warm skin before it is gone.  But he is simply too fast.  Finally reaching the sidewalk, I crane my neck in an attempt to spot the warm blip on my otherwise dulled radar, but he is gone.  I swing my neck and head together in the other direction in hopes I just have not spotted him, but instead I miss the edge of the curb and unable to stop the fall, I fall face flat in the street.

As I lay prostrate on street, I begin to try to roll myself over. Abrupt and unexpected, I again feel that same heat that could only come from the living.  A family from across the street saw my fall and the average looking man detached himself from his small brood and is now kneeling beside me.  He places one glowingly warm hand on me and it radiates his heat down to the dead flesh below him. 

It is like the rest of the world melted away, and I could focus on nothing else except the warm, pink glow of his skin.  He dipped his head down to try and better assess the damage I had done on the pavement.  His neck was was close.  So close I could almost hear his heart beat within.  There was something inside of him I wanted.  The desire to reach out for it, to taste whatever that was is so strong.  I cannot say why I did it, but I lean into him and before can process what I am about to do, I bit down.  It first thing I feel is amazement because unlike anything else, I can actually feel the warmth of it.  Warm, then hot liquid rushes into my mouth, over my chin, and down my neck.  I revel in the salty taste of it, but it is still not exactly what I want. 

My delight is interrupted when the man reels back from me. His left hand flutters up to the crimson fountain I have opened on his neck, eyes so wide that his irises are rimmed all around with white.  He is unmistakably terrified of me.  A hint of regret touches me as I look up and can see the bright stream escaping from between his fingers as he tries to staunch the flow.  It make a puddle on his shirt that grows and grows, washing down his front wasted and untasted.  The hot sheet of blood down my chin began to cool and return the skin beneath it to the dead, unfeeling mass it was before. 

My distress at the lose of such experience is eclipsed as the matriarch of the brood came rushing forward to see what was happening.  She leans close to me and asked, "Are you hurt too?", mistaking the blood down my chin for my own.  She is close, so very close.  I can feel the pulse below her skin, and want to again taste the salty goodness, to again feel something.  All I have to do is lean into her, and with a single bite, the blood gushed forth. It is more than my mouth could hold.  I open my jaw wider to try to capture more of the fluid, trying to decide why the taste is good but still not quite right. What am I missing? 

Without a thought, I released the writhing woman, and reached around her to pull the small girl hiding there to me to see if I can figure out the taste.  Kicking and screaming, I pull her to me and again bit at the neck.  In her struggle to get away, instead of biting across the taunt muscle between the throat and head like I did her parents, I get a half mouth full of hair, a warm gush of blood and then the most marvelous taste I can ever remember.  It is faint but gushes into me and starts a fire within. 

What is this?  Pulling the small body away from me, I refocused and bit her across the back of the neck again. There it is, the taste is like magic.  What was so different?  Putting my fingers into the gaping hole, I peel back the skin and part of her skull like it I am peeling an orange.  Below the surface I can now see a pink, quivering mass that must surely be the source of the intoxicating smell wafting up at me.  Leaning in, I take a bite.  Joy rushes into me; it is like a feeling of completion.  I look down closer to see what I had eaten that finally spoke to my hunger.  My jaw stops mid-chew.  Looking down at the limp figure in my hands, I can see the frill at the bottom of her dress and two patent leather shoes swing as her legs sway with my movement.  I become cognizant of the fact that it was an actual person, a human being just like I once was and the material in my mouth was her brain.  I immediately drop her to the ground and back away as the horror of my actions settle into my addled mind. 

I watch as she falls limply to the ground.  The half of skull that I had dislodged make a sickening smack as it flops back into place.  With the warm blood all down my front starting to cool, I am trying to come to grips with what I have just done, but cannot.  I have to get away.  I have to get away now. I turn and begin to shuffle down the street, I have to hide from this.  I have to hide from the horrible things that I had just done.
How could this be?  What kind of monster just murders three innocent people in the street?  That is what I am, a monster.  The blood smeared down the front of my dress, and becoming tacky across my arms sickens me.  I am not a ruthless killer.  I feel the urge to cry but my eyes will not respond.  This upsets me even more.  What have I become?
I shuffled at top speed until I catch a whiff of a scent so delectable that it blots out all other thoughts.  No bakery ever had an aroma like this.  The smell calls to me, beckoning me, no commanding me to follow.  I veer courses to follow the alluring odor.  It is coming from an open garage, who's recesses are too dark to see from the driveway.  Crossing the threshold, I can now see a lone man, bent over a lawn mower, with his back to me. 

I am half way across the garage before he becomes aware of me.  He turns to me and politely asks, "Can I help you?". 

"I don't know", I think, "can you?", but from my mouth only spews a mumble that sounds like a wounded duck.  He is squinting as I come closer because I am so back-lit from the sun streaming through the open garage door.  So close.  He begins to stand and turn toward me in one fluid motion.  I can feel my need rise in me.  Quicker than I though I was still capable of, I cover the distance between us and fill my mouth with the soft flesh of his neck.  The bite satisfied my want to feel the warmth again, but does not satisfy the need pulsing just below the surface.  Releasing my jaw, he sinks to the oil slicked garage floor. 

Kneeling before me, head bowed as if in prayer, the crown of his head is all I can see.  My instinct moves through me like lightening and before thoughts can register, I am sending him back to his God.  My teeth melt into his flesh, yielding so easily to that which is so unlike those I had mere days ago. I bite down and the sound of crunching of bone fills my ears.  Pulling back I have a mouth full of skull, hair, and bone.  The warm sheet of his blood moving down my front intrigues me only momentarily, for I know a joy for beyond that of the warmth. 

My eyes fall upon the exposed pink mass, quivering delectably just above the rim of his exposed skull.  I open my mouth to let the the crown of his head fall out to make room for the only thing I could ever want again.  I only have a vague gnawing feeling that I should not be indulging in such a feast before I bend over and take the most intoxicating bite of anything that has ever been in my mouth.  It is so good that all objections melt away behind the buzz of joy now rising in my chest.  I pull my face away, so I could move to a new spot, I bite again.  Bliss fills my entire stiff and decaying being.  How could I have gone my entire life and not known a taste like this?  It is a satisfaction that no mortal experience had ever given me.

Before I could take my third bite, a scream tears through the air.  Homicidus interruptus.  I search for the source of the sound, and from the side door leading from the house a teenage boy's warmth draws my attention.  He stands in the jamb, fear painted on his face at the reality of what I am doing.  He backs away.  A surge of my old self roils to the surface of my conscious thought, and I feel the need to console him, to tell him what  happened to me to make me do such a thing. I need him to understand about the rapture encased in each thin skull shell around me, to know I understand why he is upset.  Backing up, he stumbles over the lip that stands between the house and the garage.  He slams hard into the tiled floor of the house because instead of using his arms to brace himself, they are extended out toward me. I should help him up.  Letting the man slump and fall sideways, I close the gap between the teenager and I in a couple of long, shuffling steps. 

His thin frame is quaking as he struggles to scuttle backwards into the house, but the door has swung back toward him and is now barring his way.  He suddenly reminds me of a bird trapped in a net, struggling in blind panic to the point that he was incapable of rational thought.  I advance on him with no other intention than to help him to his feet.   Leaning forward, all thoughts of regret or assistance, or need for explanation are gone when I feel the pull of the warm liquid below his skin.  Opening my mouth is automatic, I must feel the warm rush again.  Nothing else in that moment matters.  Free flowing crimson rushes into my mouth, down my throat, infusing me with life and purpose.  The rush was even shorter than last time, why cannot I not hold on to that feeling?  I then remember that like the man, and the girl before, this boy holds that which I want most.  I know I have to taste the joy that only his brain can give me.

I never did feel the approach.  I am so consumed with finding the teenage boy's brain, that I never am aware that a second, huskier boy had descend upon me.  It is not until the baseball bat strikes across the back of my head, reeling it forward, that I am cognizant that anyone else is present. 

I drop the frightened bird in my arms, where he slumps holding both hands over the geyser on his neck and round to see who has assaulted me.  Turning to face my assailant, I can see the fact I am a woman shocks him and the bat dips from the ready in his hands.  In the split moment that he drops his guard and I lunge with sheer reflex and close my jaw around his upraised forearm like the predator I now am.  With my jaw locked on his arm, the fire in his eyes returns, and I know this makes me fair game. 

He struggles to free his arm from my grasp.  He shakes me violently from one side and then to the other, but my jaw is immovable against the strength of just his one arm.  It was only when the thin layer of skin clamped between my treacherous teeth tears at a ragged, odd angle, that he becomes free from my grasp.

A beat passes as I try to decide if this new kind of flesh in my mouth is something I want.  Before the thought is even half formed in my mind, the bat slams across the side of my head.  The sheer force of the blow knocks me sideways.  A crack rings out as the other side of my head hits the concrete floor of the garage.  Again I note the lack of pain and am still amazed by it, all that comes through is an odd sensation as my head bounced once again and comes again smacking down into the now damp with gore concrete.

When my head settles, it is in such a way that my chin is skyward and I can see him.  He is so young, too young to be chosen for this task.  He is standing over me, arm bleeding, with the bloodied bat held high over his head.  I open my mouth to speak the thanks in my heart for what he is about to do, but it is already too late, for the bat is already in full swing.  The wood of the bat is the last thing I see before vision in my left eye is winks out.  All that is there now is the dark tunnel vision in my right eye. 

I struggle and am able to lift my head to look up at him through that eye.  I can see the fury etched into his face.  I suddenly feel sad for I know that fury is because of the monster I am, and not because he has a clue of the monster I have made him. 

The last thing I see is the bat, covered in my own festering gore make its way down towards me, and in this moment I do not think of my mother, or all the plans I had for my life.  All I can think about is how I regret not getting to taste that sweetest of tastes for one last time.  I am only sad I will never get to taste his brain.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

This Is Why I Hate Everything Today

Let's talk about my afternoon, shall we?  My plan to buy a house has reach the phase where I am actually trying to be more active than driving past houses I like and asking who ever is in the car if they will buy it for me.  So I go into a Bank of America banking center on Tuesday afternoon to talk to a loan officer, you know to get some advice on what I should be doing.  Turns out she is harder to get info out of than a fresh post-op patient.  She tells me that she can't even really talk to me until my financial profile is order.  Her suggestion is that I enroll in this program called Privacy Assist through the bank.

She puts me on her phone to talk to Privacy Assist and then proceeds to go chat with Chad from New Accounts, whom I can only assume has very fascinating stories about the gym and which protein powder taste best with Red Bull.  After a mind numbing scripted 20 minute conversation, I ask for a confirmation number.  My good phone friend tells me he does not have one for me, but I will receive all my information via email in 24-48 hours.  I hang up, ask to use the bathroom before I go, get told no, and leave the bank.

I am now like a 40 year old, overweight single woman who got asked for her number at the club.  I am stalking my phone, just waiting for some kind of contact.  Nothing, nada, nil.  So today, I decide to call my friendly Bank Of America and ask por que no email.  Did you decide I was not that hot after all?

First contact after a 10 minute wait on hold.  Now that does not sound like a huge deal, except I can't actually make a phone call from inside my house.  Apparently I did not pay for that option when I signed up with AT&T.  So I am sitting on my back porch, in the 98 degree weather, on hold.  Finally I get Jenny, who says she can't help me and transfers me to the Privacy Assist office.

I now get to talk to Giovanni, who sounds the farthest away from a swarthy Italian, who in his thick Indian accent wishes me a good evening.  After a frustrating conversation where he does not understand my name, how to spell Grand Canyon, or the term close of business, he informs me that I was not in fact getting enrolled in Privacy Assist during my first phone call but just making light conversation with the phone operator.  I ask him if we could, you know, go ahead and enroll me.  He says, oh, I can't do that here, you must talk to sales.  This is now a 30 minute conversation.

I now get ahold of Jennifer.  Jennifer is apparently a very common name in New Dehli, but none the less she is ready to talk to me.  After explaining my story at the top of my lungs and then giving her all my info at top volume (so the neighbors can clearly hear my social and credit card number), she then tells me that she cannot help me because that would just be to easy, and I needed to call Bank of America back.  I have now been on the phone for an hour.

Back to Bank of America and I talk to, no joke, Jennifer.  Are there no other girl's names out there, or is this the running joke for when I am on "Boiling Point"?  She gets my story, in a regular volume, so identity thieves will have to listen a little closer before she tells me that I should be calling the $9.99 line and not the $12.99 line because I am a Bank of America customer.  Am I on crack or am I not talking to Bank of America right now?  She gives me a number and tells me to hang up and call the $9.99 number.  I have now been on the phone for an hour and twenty minutes.

Finally after being on hold just long enough to make a human sized puddle on my porch, a guy picks up and I swear he is going to say his name is Jennifer.  No such luck.  He finally gets me into the system, despite his best effort to repeat the entire script that I have now heard four times to me.  When we are done I ask for a confirmation number.  He tells me he can't give me one but should receive a confirmation email in 24-48 hours.  This sounds vaguely familiar.  I have been on the phone for an hour and forty minutes.  Before hanging up, he told me to have a good day.  I told him to have one too, and I assumed I would be talking to him again on Monday.

Is this whole house thing going to be this hard the entire way through?  If so, I might as well pack my stuff and move in to the dog house with Carson.  I hope this is the last hiccup in the road to homeownership.

Monday, September 27, 2010

October Is About To Blossom Beneath The Harvest Moon

If you have ever met me, you know quite well the excitement I have for the most mundane of things.  You got those amazing pants at 50% off?  I will do a little cheer for you.  You payed off your credit card bill?  In celebration, I made this four layer cake and this card by hand for you; congrats!They are showing X-Men the animated series on Adult Swim?!? Break out the streamers, it is about to be a party in here!  This week I was even told to take it down a notch at work as I breezed through the halls humming and singing like it was my own personal Broadway rendition of "Hospital: A Comedy".

Needless to say, if the most mundane of events are cause for skywriting and balloon bouquets, you can only imagine the feelings that fill me when traditional reason to celebrate roll around.  With Flip's birthday over, it is now time to turn focus the time of year where I tend to go more overboard than usual.  October is about to blossom beneath the harvest moon and my excitement is beginning to swell.

What is so great about October you ask in a derisive, and might I say a touch snide tone?  It surely cannot be the death of summer's warm embrace or the subsequent lose of the bare limbed hedonism it produces.  October is wonderful because that which is that which is normally eschewed now takes center stage to be reveled in and enjoyed.

Yes folks, in the name of Halloween we are allowed to enjoy the most gruesome displays of human carnage laid out neatly on the front lawn for the neighborhood kids to see.  If October had a marketing team, surely the would tout, "The grosser the better".  The fantastical things we mint in silicone, latex, and plastic is mind boggling.  Severed heads on pikes lining the walk, dismembered torsos used to serve chips and guacamole out of, or rubber knives for guests to tote about as they represent soulless murderers all in the name of good fun.  Going for the gore is something we are only allowed to do during this magical time.  Any other time of year, if you decorate with skulls and electric chairs, the ladies might feel a touch uncomfortable when you ask if they want to go back to your place.

Taking the gore to the next level, I absolutely adore haunted houses.  When else can you pay to enjoy an evening designed to make you produce one or more bodily fluids and it still be legal?  This being my first Halloween back in Vegas, I was worried they would not be into the whole backwoods, Texas Chainsaw, house of redneck horrors thing.  Oh, how wrong I was.  The Fright Dome is Circus Circus' haunted house that goes above and beyond what even an October enthusiast like myself could ever hope for.  There are five separate haunted houses, including one that is Saw themed, a zombie apocalypse one, and for all you coulrophobics out there, a clown one.  I...can...not...wait.

In addition to the live entertainment, the canned media is exception this month.  I am far from a typical girl when it comes to many things, and media is no different.  I love guns, explosions, car chases, hand to hand combat, murder, mayhem, and just about anything found in the horror section of Blockbuster.  October usually nets me gads of movies filmed with only my sheer terror and disgust in mind, and I eat them all up.  Satan worshipping, things that go bump in the night, possessed children, vivisection, or  buckets of blood are all that it really takes to make me all atwitter-patted at preview time.  In addition to the new tales of blood baths offered, it is also time to enjoy all my old friends like, Dawn of the Dead, Hostel, Final Destination, and the best scary movie ever made, I don't care what you say, Thir13en Ghosts.

Despite all the amazingness that happens in October, it really is all about the costumes, oh the costumes. As I am disrobing on All Hallow's Eve, I am already thinking what I am going to be next year.  I have had some great costumes in the past.
Your Conscious - I was the shoulder angel
Carrie - I had to stand there while the blood dried
Marge Simpson - We won best costume this year
A Rockford Peach - I beat a guy with that bat, allegedly.
A flamingo - I won best costume this year too

I am right at the beginning to my final decision making process of what to be this year.  I have been settled on Luna Lovegood for most of the year, but upon sharing my amazing costume idea with other, and getting many quizzical looks, I am reconsidering.  One of my costume rules is that is has to be something people recognize, that I don't have to explain.  You can see why the choice of Luna is giving me trouble.  I have been compiling a short list of ideas.  I can be Lady Justice with her scales, Anne Boleyn, a WWII nurse, The Silk Spector, The Cheshire Cat, a borg member, Alice from Resident Evil, Sally from a Nightmare before Christmas, Jackie O, Betty Page, a Stepford Wife, Mystique, a geisha, a Halo soldier, Amelia Earhart, The White Witch, Sailor Moon, The Mona Lisa, a 50's pin-up girl, Elphaba, a Voodoo Doll, Queen Amidala, and the circulatory system.  

I have no doubt this October will not fail to disappoint.  To all of those out there who are only in it for the candy, I beg you to reconsider October as the best month on record and enjoy it for all that it has to offer.



Thursday, August 26, 2010

Bucket List

Who has not thought about what they want to do before they die?  Some want to do the crazy, others the impossible, while most just want to put down into words all the things they have been meaning to get to but never quite have.  Pondering on this, I felt the need to put down some of my own things I have been meaning to get to, to make my own bucket list.  While this list is by no means all inclusive, I think these 75 public goals are a pretty good start.  And yes, there are 25 other goals that I will not share with the general public.
100 Things To Do Before I Die

1.  Ride in a helicopter and not on a stretcher, I would like to be able to sit up and see out the window
2.  Learn to swim but I fear the five year olds in my class would show me up
3.  View the Constitution in person nerd trap
4.  Learn another language, most likely Spanish or Sign Language  is it wrong that it is mostly for the dollar rasie I would get at work
5.  See a musical on Broadway I'm not even going to apoligize for that one
6.  Learn to play an instrument I think I can get a triangle on eBay for pretty cheap
7.  Crowd surf or I can just get a friend to grab my butt several times in a row, same difference
8.  Shoot a hand gun (shhh....don't tell my dad)
9.  Do a backflip on a trampoline Currently I look like a flying fish before I fall and kick myself in the back of the head
10. Go to England and drive on the other side of the road or go to another country and be a horrible driver there too
11. Buy a house I think a Barbie dream-house might be what I can handle right now
12. Write a book or get published I hear true crime sells great, lock your doors
13. Take a cruise I bet that seal clubbing cruise I looked into last year is pretty cheap right now
14. Master making bisque or just pick McCormick's and pass it off as my own, who would know?
15. Be an extra on a TV show After my true crime book, I can ask America's Most Wanted or Cops to help me out with this one
16. Go to Hawaii and see an active volcano I bet the Mirage would be just about the same, maybe I will just do that
17. Trek to see the painting "Guernica" then burn it to the ground so I was the last one to enjoy it
18. Meet John Irving Doesn't have to be THE John Irving, any will do, I will just pick one out of the phone book
19.  Got to Chicago I hear they have the best meth there.
20. Be pregnant I am calling a surrogacy agency as we speak
21. Go on photo safari Point and shoot of a different variety
22. Go skinny dipping Believe it or not, have never actually done this
23. See the Yankees play where they will surely beat the Mets
24. Cook Thanksgiving dinner, turkey and all If the turkey takes as long to cook as the whole chickens I made, I should start cooking a week from Tuesday
25. Ride on an elephant You think Babar is free?
26. Color my hair  I am like 10 grays away from this already, genes are being jerks
27. Finish my Radcliffe 100 Greatest Novels list, including Ulysses I could not finish Ulysses if the secret to alchemy was in there
28. Honeymoon in Miami And avoid running into Dexter in the process
29. See the Aurora Borealis LSD might give the same affect but way cheaper
30. Fall in love with a great pair of shoes?
31. Master a video game Does World of Warcraft or Starcraft 2 make me hotter to nerds?
32. Hold a baby tiger and avoid the momma tiger in the process
33. Learn to write left handed I am so tired of being right all the time
34. Finally learn how to wear eyeliner correctly RaccOOns are sexy too, right?
35. Go deep sea fishing and catch something amazing Here Flipper, Flipper, Flipper
36. Finally join my family at Burning Man with a blindfold, I don't need to see my dad naked
37. Visit the Harry Potter Experience in Orlando My letter is coming by owl any day now
38. Learn to juggle more than one boy at a time
39. Get a bachelors in English My other useless degree feels lonely
40. Ride on a dog sled Carson tied to a wood box just isn't the same
41. Have the perfect kitchen made just for me Complete with built in floor shackle
42. Have a room that is literally my library Single old maid dies in avalanche of books
43. Attend a fashion show please fall, please fall
44. Participate in Holi, the Festival of Colors then again, me putting on makeup is kinda the same
45. Get in a girl fight The first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club
46. After learning to swim, scuba diving Why are those sharks following me?
47. Dance on a bar Coyote Ugly taught me I need closed toed shoes for this, mental note made
48. Learn to walk on my hands because I am oh so graceful on my feet that I need more of a challenge
49. Dance Tango with an Argentinian Rose is optional
50. LARP  No comments please
51. Do a project where I have my friends send me back letters I sent them Looking for some cheap kindling this winter
52. Be completely honest with everyone in my life You suck, you're ugly, and I hate you...
53. Ride on a tandem bike does the bike come with a friend too?
54. Picture with the Eiffel tower I will add it to my collection of pictures of me with other phallic shaped objects
55. Have a major effect on some one's life Running someone over counts
56. Professional photo shoot Clothing optional?  What does that mean?
57. Restore my dresser Because who wants to just pay for a new one when they can do countless hours of tedious work?
58. New Year's Eve in Time Square I love getting pick-pocketed
59. Get a submission on one website I follow: Awkward Family Photos, Text From Last Night, etc. For the bishop's sake, lets shoot for the former
60. Eat in the restaurant Picasso's here in Vegas Anyone know a millionaire I can date?
61. Save someone out of hospital with no meds, no monitors, and no mask. Ew, that just got all over me.  Awesome
62. Get a sleeper car on a train Where mystery and intrigue surely wait for me
63. Make out at the drive-in Teenagers make this look so easy to accomplish
64. Try Thai Food and not vomit afterwards
65. Tell those who know the whole me how much they mean to me Can I have your brother's number?  I have something to tell him, nope nothing to tell you, just him.
66. Stay in a Strip hotel A hotel on the Strip not one you have to strip at...geez
67. Write my living will So you jerks don't "accidentally" trip over my ventilator cord
68. Sign up for my 401K (blush) Also have not done this
69. Kiss a man in uniform on Veterans' Day It is just downright patriotic
70. Fly First Class  You may call me Ms. Riggs or Master, now run along and get me my soda
71. Go to one of those trapeze experiences Surely easier than swimming
72. Paint on a decent sized canvas I hear they are looking for a new painting to stand where "Guernica" used to be
73. Eat a salad Does fruit salad count?
74. Have my dad walk me down the aisle ...of the grocery store
75. See Ludacris in concert Welcome to Atlanta and the reason you got a tetanus shot last year

Monday, August 23, 2010

Lust: One of the Seven Deadly Sins

I am unsure how polite dinner conversation turned to the question of hot guys, but somehow it did.  The Black Widow was trying to get The Face to pick a crossover guy, and unable to think of one, she offered several choices for him to chose from.  I am always flustered in these situations because I know there are so many ultra attractive men in Hollywood, but am for some reason never able to recall them off the top of my head.  After everyone left, I did my research and complied my very own list of some pretty attractive men.  I will not call it definitive, for I am sure as soon as I post, someone will point out someone who should have been on the list, but I just did not think of.  Perhaps The Face could even pick someone from my carefully crafted list.


10. Kevin Connolly - Every time I tell people I have a crush on Kevin Connolly, they are like, that guy?  Well, we shall just say I have a bit of a thing for short guys, and he just so happens to be 5'6".





9.  Paul Walker - Dumb as a bag of rocks, but I don't really care.  He doesn't have to say a thing.  Turns out the second thing I am a sucker for is light eyes and his practically glow.  Look at them.  Whew wee....His movies suck, but I could not care less, I would pay to watch him read a book for two hours.  That is assuming he can read.







8.  Jake Gyllenhaal - While The Face already turned down Jake as a possibility, I would be quite remiss to not put him on the list.  He is gorgeous.  While he does not have blue eyes, he does have the third thing that I love, and that is facial hair.  Have you seen him grow the full mountain man beard?  It is slightly this side of amazing.





7.  Channing Tatum - (ahem) I assume I do not need to say more.











6.  Chris Evans - Light eyes, facial hair, and body hair to boot, what is not to love?  Plus, he kinda looks like he would be sensitive, and want to hold my hand and skip in a meadow.





5.  Bradley Cooper - You cannot have a thing for blue eyes and not be in love with Bradley.  Those eyes are so blue, that they can see into your soul.  One look from those pale pools and I am pretty sure I would give him anything he asked for.  Sigh.




4.  Mark Walberg - He wants to father my children, I am just sure of it.











3.  Jonathan Rhys Myers - Gay as the day is long, but I don't care who's team he is playing for.  This must be what it is like for gay guys when they look at Brad Pitt or Justin Timberlake.  They know they can't have them, but then again, even if he was not gay, I probably still could not have him.








2.  Wentworth Miller III - Unfortunately, I think Jonathan Rhys Myers has a better chance of getting with him than I do, but lets just say I did not watch three seasons of "Prison Break" for the amazing plot.









1.  Ryan Reynolds - I am pretty sure this was the moment I fell in love with him.  Muscled bound, over six feet and brown eyed, logic says he should not be my number one, but oh, me oh, my.  I nearly met him when I almost mowed him down in an Austin movie theater.  He was just as attractive then as he is now.  I would take him anyway you slice him.  If he wanted to be friend with benefits, he wanted me to send him off to war and wait for 12 years, he wanted me to be a surrogate mother for him and his barren wife, I don't care.  Plus he was in an X-Men movie, so take his normal hotness and multiply it by the power of nerd.

Friday, August 20, 2010

A Borrowed Story In My Own Words

Tonight, while search for inspiration for what to post, I came across a blog post entitled, "Like a Girl Who Barely Notices You Are Alive?".  Reading the post, I felt moved by the general sentiments of the post and would love to explore his ideas further.  So tonight instead of proclaiming with my own voice, I tell his story with my own words.  My version is first, and his original version is at the bottom in purple.

What a waste is my self-loathing for it curries no favor in his eyes.  Every night I endure this torment with no reward, lost and alone in my own pity.  Hopelessly romantic, I oft feel if I do not allow my love to die, if I stoke the flames long enough, then like Heathcliff, I can meet my love in the hereafter.  Find him in a place where we can finally be together in bliss.  Alas, this is all my own work, for if Catherine was truly destined to be with my Heathcliff, then it would not take death to unite them.  All Catherine would have to do was bridge the gap between our hands and hearts and take me back into our love.  

To live in such fantasies is a self defense, because otherwise the pain of his ebb and flow of affection would kill all that still breaths inside of me.  To pretend my suffering is for a larger purpose is to feel that I am investing in a higher goal, and it makes the agony of every passing moment tolerable.  His cruelty is almost enough to smother my already waning ability to trust.  For the sad truth is despite his best attempts to convince me it is not so, I feel broken in a way that cannot be fixed.  How can I blame him for a lifetime of being afraid, for my constant fear of rejection?  It lives with me always and denies me the knowledge of what comfort feeling happy can bring.  I fear the good, because the darkness is all I have ever known.  

It is always at the end when we look back, trying to see the exact moment that it all went wrong.  While I am left here to deal with the carnage, I do not allow him to see it.  Impressions that all was well with me was exactly what I hoped he would get from my pantomimed half of our final conversation.  Only by playing this scene several times before was I able to finally give a convincing performance.  But when he left, he took our life together with him.  I am now the lone child on the playground, tentative on the edge of the blacktop because I can not count a single friend among the gleeful faces.  All of them sense the darkness that is inside of me, so I am merely tolerated, never loved, never adored.  Is this why he could never love me, my inability to love myself?

Is he the target of my anger?  How can he be?  For was I not the same when I was his age?  My desire to assign blame to him is from all the ways he disappointed me.  Though a portion of blame is my own for the foolishness of setting forth expectations he could never meet.  I set him up to fail before we even began.  The pain he dealt to me was pre-prescribed, but perhaps necessary, for pain provides the world's oldest education.  

So now I stand alone and question my purpose, if my purposes was not to love him.  Perhaps my purpose is to someday finally gain understanding from others that my voice is not common, my words are not theirs, that my ability to create emotion and love where none was before is worth the investment of time.

Hey Stupid - 

She is not into I tell myself everynight feeling sorry for myself.  I am one of those stupid poetic idiots who thinks hey why not be sad about a girl for eternity and then be heathcliffe and meet her in the afterlife.  The only problem with this logic is you are not catherine's dream or she would of been with you in life.  I call it the silly lies we tell ourselves because it is less painful then she treated you like a yoyo, one day I love you the next day I do not and you have no trust in women after it.  You are glad you are friends but you will never trust another could love you because you are broken in a way that can't be fixed.  It is not her fault but a lifetime of being afraid.  It is never knowing how to be comfortable with being happy.  Fearing the good more than the bad because bad is all I will ever truly know.


It was a success in terms of relationships.. I did leave things ok.. which is something I have had trouble with in the past.  Now based on her actions I am the guy in the school yard with no real friends.  I am tolerated not loved by any because I could not love me.  it is the age old curse.. I really want to be angry at her but who is not like that when they are 20.  It is my fault for being silly about it.. for not understanding the flaws in expection.. I am angry but I do not who to be angry at.. it all is a mess with no real understanding who to blame.. and if blame is even the right word since pain is the worlds oldest education.  It is like we are being made for someone purpose. someday people will understand my voice is not common, my words, the way I am able to create emotion is something worth having.. until then I go broke hoping for a single company to get their head out of their ass and realize I could be a advertising star if I could find a company with someone to mentor me on the x's and o's of the industry.  Will they?  No because companies want the degrees with no life experience.  You can't learn what I know in school. 


I have no idea what was the point of this blog.  I never do as everything with me is random.  It is so annoying never having order in my life.. I dream of order but end up floating away.. bye

Thursday, August 19, 2010

After 30 Years of Service

Boom, that just happened.

After years of telling myself I did not need one because I had a functioning Oster Regency, and ten days of intense drooling, I finally bought myself the ultimate kitchen indulgence.  In 7-10 business days I will be the new owner of an Empire Red KitchenAid Artisan 5 quart stand mixer.  Just thinking about my new kitchen companion has me all atingle.  Before the Big Red takes her place upon my counter, let us have a moment of silence of the one who went before.  

My parents have had this mixer since they were married in the early 80s.  It was the mixer I grew up with.  The mixer churned hard to put out our Thanksgiving mashed potatoes, every birthday cake I can remember, countless loaves of bread, numerous sauces, an abundance of pie fillings.  It was nearly ten years ago that I was bequeathed the mixer.  It was there for me as I grew into the cook I am today.  

While she was not pretty, she got the job done.  That mixer was there for my first pie crust, my first carrot cake, my first double batch of chocolate chocolate chip cookies, my homemade icing, oh the list could go on and on.  It was three years ago I broke her large glass bowl with peanut butter cookie slicked hands, but after a metal replacement, we soldiered on.  So many great memories started with the soft fop of a cake mix into the bottom of the bowl, or the crack of an egg, or licking the beaters clean of my latest concoction. I will miss you my dear friend.  May whom ever I bequeath you to take great care of your never failing motor, your turnable base, and countless attachments.  Happy trails to you.


RIP Oster - Thank you for years of service