To Blog Or Not To Blog

My life is fairly transparent. Between Facebook, Loopt, and telephonic communication, anyone can know what or where I am at in any given day. In addition, I also have a journal. So why blog? It seems like such a natural fit for me; something I would enjoy. I had a short lived blog on the Tiki Wiki, but soon felt pressured for every entry to be a literary masterpiece. Despite this all, today I am going to make the grand attempt. With that caveat in mind, let us blog.

Today was Father's Day, the first day of summer, and The Boy's birthday. The Boy and I have not spoken in eight days, and not through any lack of effort on my part. Try and try as I may, I can't be in a relationship by myself. Earlier this week, I carried myself over to his place to have a talk. His car was there, lights on, TV blaring, and yet when I knocked...no answer. In my mind, I set today as the deadline. If I had not heard from him by today, then I will consider myself broken up with.

After church I went over with his birthday gift in hand and was prepped myself to have the break-up talk where he says in soft tones that this is just not going to work, and I cry slow, sad tears of the dumped, then we resolve to still be friends, and we are both comfortable with the lie. I got to his door and stood for a lifetime, with the heat of the first day of summer washing over me and in the end did not knock. I taped the concert tickets that I so methodically scoured the net for and triumphantly planned the perfect birthday around to his door. I turned heel and considered myself done. This in no way means it hurt any less.

I ran into Frankie* at the gym on Wednesday and he said something that I had never heard anyone say in quite that way. He said that when your in a relationship that if will never work if each of you is only giving 50%, because if either one of you gives less then things are bound to fall apart. Both of you need to be giving 100% for you to ever have a chance. I don't know if I can even say that he was giving 50%. It is the standard trap that I always seem to fall into; I don't mind doing the work, so I pick up the slack, and then pick up more slack, until I am doing all the work. He went on to tell me that he can see me with a guy who is going to be just as much work as I am. It is amazing how words can bolster your spirits so. He always gives great advice, even if I don't always want to hear it.

Tonight as the sun sets on the end, I am tempted to remember the beginning. It is always so nice at the beginning. There is the talking on the phone for hours, the butterflies, the smile you cannot rid yourself of, you are never hurt or disappointed. Looking forward, you are so full of hope, and the relationship so full of promise. As time passes, reality tempers your starry-eyed outlook and the reality of male/female relationships comes to remembrance. I have never been in a relationship that hasn't failed. Every beginning I have ever had has been paired with an end. So it goes.

*All names have been changed to protect the innocent.