When The Sunset Meets The Horizon

Day two and another entry; I am already exceeding my own expectations.

Facebook informed me today that Stix’s pseudo-boyfriend has finally gotten the okay to leave for his overseas expedition. He leaves Thursday, and I am sure that this week will bring their all consuming time spending together to a fevered pitch. My own recently disappointed heart goes out for her in the most empathetic way. I in no way ever wish this feeling for anyone. When the sunset meets the horizon, does it ever feel good? My own selfish desire hopes that this separation will free up some time for our relationship to return to where it used to be. I miss her, and it is hard to see her and feel how truly far away we are from each other.

Tonight is FHE and I am so looking forward to it. Ever since I have joined the family ward, I have felt an overwhelming incongruity of how much I want and how much I am getting from my weekly meetings. Lessons about being good parents, raising children to the light, and eternal families rain down on my heart week after week but fail to fill my cup to capacity. Even when lessons are about faith, repentance, or the plan of salvation, they are still couched in family ward terms. I find that in filling that need that FHE, Institute, and Firesides, meant for those so many years younger than I, are like bright spots that give me the spiritual nourishment that I so desperately need. I am at the point in my life that I should be a complete spiritual person and am now intended to fill other people up. Am I selfish to long for the days right after my conversion where every one's wish was to bolster and to be sure that I was on the right path? I fear it is.

This week the thermometer is tipping into triple digits and as the temperature nears boiling point, so does the temperaments in the office. Our dynamic has changed since the Peacemaker has been out and consequently the balance of power has tipped the other way. Our dynamic is a delicate one that depends on the blending of the five of us in our own specific way. When one piece is missing, nothing is the same. The group has been a sulky, sodden mess for a week now and I can feel the stress pressing down on me as if it were a literal hand. I am ever being tested in my weakness of patience. Everyday I work on it a tad more. Like grains of sand passing from the top of an hour glass, it does not feel like I am making progress, but I think if you ask anyone who knows me, they could tell you my growth from just a year ago is immense.

Yesterday was Father's Day and due to the fact that mine was in Arkansas, got to talk to him for 55 minuets. Their retirement home, I fear, is a bigger responsibility than they anticipated. Their biannual trips there does little more than beat back the wilderness that is slowly determined to take the land back. I can feel how much he is ready to be done with working and to spend his day lazing my his tiny pond, listening to the crickets serenaded him. A combination the market, his gastric banding, and life in general, he is slowly being stepped back from his hard earned retirement. I know that he fears his own demise will happen before he ever gets to his days of leisure. His own demise haunted my own fears. His ever growing girth is wrecking havoc on his system. Between his heart, blood pressure, and diabetes, I am ever worried that his chair will stand empty on my wedding day. Every parent should have the privilege of dying before his children, I just hope that his day is still many years off.

Upon that cheerful note, I must jaunt off to finish getting ready for FHE. I hope to post again tomorrow, but cannot guarantee it. Till then...